Golf is for Arseholes
I got an invite to play golf later this month. For many men this would be an occasion of joy, probably marked by the purchase of a new horrendously colored shirt or stupid shoes. For me it is one more opportunity for pointless public humiliation. The fact is, I wouldn't play at all if it weren't required occasionally for my job. As it is, I play infrequently because I'm crap at it, and of course I'm not going to get any better by playing infrequently.
I'll be playing the Indianwood Country Club, North of Detroit, which is a proper golf course. It has a clubhouse full of wood panelling and furniture taken from castles in England. [Interestingly enough, as a child in England I was often dragged by my parents around cold, dull, stone castles with nothing in them. I assumed they were empty for some good reason, but I discovered last year that it was because all the interesting stuff inside them had been shipped to the States to fill some crappy golf club.]
Indianwood is a club for people who know what they're doing. They obviously assume some measure of competence among their clientele because when you stand on the tee (the bit at the start of the hole where you begin hitting the ball) the fucking grass often doesn't start for about two hundred yards. Instead you are confronted by the sort of dense thistly undergrowth in which you would be hard pressed to locate a small child, never mind a tiny white ball. Now for me, a man who can reliably count on at least seventeen crap shots from the tee in any round, this is just pointless. I might as well just throw the ball in the briar patch and save myself the trouble of trying to hit it. At least if I threw it I might stand a small chance of seeing where it went.
Bear in mind that this is on the old course. Indianwood also has a new course, which is similar, except that in place of the thistles there is water. Lots and lots of water.
In spite of all this I can understand why people would enjoy the occasional game. What I fail to understand is why people feel they have to dress like a wanker just because they're on a golf course. Plaid pants are not a good look. Not ever. Especially not when complemented by shirts in pastel colors and shoes with frilly bits on.
As a wiser person than me once observed, golf is a game played by men with small balls.
Copyright 2007 Edward Bison
I'll be playing the Indianwood Country Club, North of Detroit, which is a proper golf course. It has a clubhouse full of wood panelling and furniture taken from castles in England. [Interestingly enough, as a child in England I was often dragged by my parents around cold, dull, stone castles with nothing in them. I assumed they were empty for some good reason, but I discovered last year that it was because all the interesting stuff inside them had been shipped to the States to fill some crappy golf club.]
Indianwood is a club for people who know what they're doing. They obviously assume some measure of competence among their clientele because when you stand on the tee (the bit at the start of the hole where you begin hitting the ball) the fucking grass often doesn't start for about two hundred yards. Instead you are confronted by the sort of dense thistly undergrowth in which you would be hard pressed to locate a small child, never mind a tiny white ball. Now for me, a man who can reliably count on at least seventeen crap shots from the tee in any round, this is just pointless. I might as well just throw the ball in the briar patch and save myself the trouble of trying to hit it. At least if I threw it I might stand a small chance of seeing where it went.
Bear in mind that this is on the old course. Indianwood also has a new course, which is similar, except that in place of the thistles there is water. Lots and lots of water.
In spite of all this I can understand why people would enjoy the occasional game. What I fail to understand is why people feel they have to dress like a wanker just because they're on a golf course. Plaid pants are not a good look. Not ever. Especially not when complemented by shirts in pastel colors and shoes with frilly bits on.
As a wiser person than me once observed, golf is a game played by men with small balls.
Copyright 2007 Edward Bison
posted by Mr Bison at
7:13 PM
1 Comments:
I recently had a golf flare up. I was once addicted as a young man who didnt know better. After a few weeks of looking for a down to earth golf club I gave up. Here is a letter I wrote to the Englisg Golf Union and the R & A
Hi EGU R&A, (Thats probably pissed them off already, maybe it should be Dear Sir ! )
I am writing to you after 2 weeks of intensive golf club membership searching. I am almost ready to give up !
I used to be a member of golf clubs as a junior up to the age of 19, I played off 8 at prestigious Golf Club in Cheshire. Nr Manchester, England.
I am now 36 and although I havent been a member of a golf club since I was 19,
apart from a year at a municipal course, I can still play to a good level and obviously now dont have a handicap. I noticed you stopped your associates scheme.
What I'm looking for is a golf club thats reasonably good, challenging and friendly, somewhere you can roll up for a game, unless its extremely busy and within 25 minutes drive from South Manchester
At a reasonable price around £800 a year for 7 day (with no excessive joining fee and direct debit option available)
I am not willing to wear a jacket and tie at all either in the clubhouse or for presentations, I dont wear one for work so why would I want to wear one in my free time.
What is wrong with golf clothing ? Are we not playing golf ? This is 2008 not the 1950's. Even municipal courses membership sections are asking for jacket and tie at interview. Why ?
I am of course happy to wear golf clothing to play golf. I am actually very interested in getting back down to single figures and playing competitively again.
Am I expecting too much ? So far I have been very disappointed. Golf in England seems archaic.
It seems like many clubs want members but dont want to let go of the rules, especially jacket and tie, which put potential people like myself off.
I have looked through your membership vacancies and approached various clubs, but none have matched the criteria above.
I have been asked to formal interviews ! I have also been asked to supply references as I dont know anyone at the club (I am self employed so who do I get a reference from ? )
I really am disappointed that after not being a member of a club for 17 years the situation hasnt changed hardly at all, if anything its got worse.
I hope you find this information useful. Many clubs have a gap in the 20's to 30's even 40's age group. How are they going to attract the next generation of golfers.
Many of the juniors just like myself will go off to work, university or lose interest, but may want to play again later.
I think golf has a stigma, it needs to be made cool, like the game itself. Does Spoony ( A black DJ who is promoting golf to kids) wear a jacket and tie in the club house ?
It is a fantastic game, which I have really enjoyed. Unfortunately times have changed and golf hasnt changed fast enough.
It will be interesting to see what happens now the credit crunch has hit us. Will the rules be relaxed ?
I will post any answers on here soon, thats if they even reply.
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