Side Effects
I’m in the airport lounge and the TV is on. It’s showing Ellen Degeneres, and I think this is to get you used to the idea that dying wouldn’t be such a bad thing before you get on the plane. (I say “plane” – what I really mean is “cigar shaped coffin”.) They just had some vacuous game so two women could compete for a trip to another show – one of them won, but they gave the prize to both of them. This is the “self-esteem” generation – women reared on the notion that there are no losers, only winners, and nothing their little darlings do is ever their fault. Blame the manufacturer, blame society, blame the television. Blah! Whine! Blah!
Anyway, it wasn’t Ellen that caught my attention – people with a brain already know her show is shit, no surprise there. It was the commercials, specifically a drug commercial for a product called Humira. I don’t know what it does, because I don’t care enough to watch closely, but it seems to make old people smile more. What got me was the gigantic list of side effects that came with it. The commercial was about ten seconds of “Humira will make your life better” followed by thirty seconds of “by the way, this is how Humira could fuck you up”.
Most of the drug commercials are the same, and it occurs to me that the trade-off between benefits and downsides is getting more tenuous with all these new drugs. I’m guessing that if they had had commercials in the old days they would have been something like: “Try the new polio vaccine – you won’t end up dead, or a cripple. Side-effects include – well – nothing really.” Now you have “Try this new drug to stop your legs twitching in your sleep. Side effects include itching, dry mouth, hallucinations, sterility and cancer.”
My favorite is the anti-depression medication. “Are you felling a bit depressed? Try this drug. Side effects include constipation, diarrhea and sexual problems.” And you thought you were depressed before you took it! Isn’t it a bit unfair that the side effects are constipation and diarrhea? One minute you’re necking figs to open up your sphincter, the next you’re staggering bug-eyed to the toilet and crop-spraying the porcelain. But you’ll be doing it with a smile on your face.
The one I can’t figure out is Zellnorm. What the fuck is it supposed to do? All I see is images of women with wiggly black lines on their bellies, smiling a lot. Everyone in drug commercials smiles a lot, just like everyone on the Ellen show. I’m thinking that should come with warnings as well: Watch the Ellen show and feel good about yourself. Side effects include squealing, applause without reason, mental retardation and, unfortunately, not sterility.
Copyright 2007 Edward Bison
Anyway, it wasn’t Ellen that caught my attention – people with a brain already know her show is shit, no surprise there. It was the commercials, specifically a drug commercial for a product called Humira. I don’t know what it does, because I don’t care enough to watch closely, but it seems to make old people smile more. What got me was the gigantic list of side effects that came with it. The commercial was about ten seconds of “Humira will make your life better” followed by thirty seconds of “by the way, this is how Humira could fuck you up”.
Most of the drug commercials are the same, and it occurs to me that the trade-off between benefits and downsides is getting more tenuous with all these new drugs. I’m guessing that if they had had commercials in the old days they would have been something like: “Try the new polio vaccine – you won’t end up dead, or a cripple. Side-effects include – well – nothing really.” Now you have “Try this new drug to stop your legs twitching in your sleep. Side effects include itching, dry mouth, hallucinations, sterility and cancer.”
My favorite is the anti-depression medication. “Are you felling a bit depressed? Try this drug. Side effects include constipation, diarrhea and sexual problems.” And you thought you were depressed before you took it! Isn’t it a bit unfair that the side effects are constipation and diarrhea? One minute you’re necking figs to open up your sphincter, the next you’re staggering bug-eyed to the toilet and crop-spraying the porcelain. But you’ll be doing it with a smile on your face.
The one I can’t figure out is Zellnorm. What the fuck is it supposed to do? All I see is images of women with wiggly black lines on their bellies, smiling a lot. Everyone in drug commercials smiles a lot, just like everyone on the Ellen show. I’m thinking that should come with warnings as well: Watch the Ellen show and feel good about yourself. Side effects include squealing, applause without reason, mental retardation and, unfortunately, not sterility.
Copyright 2007 Edward Bison
posted by Mr Bison at
2:42 PM
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