Dinosaur Ark

I'm not sure I'll get around to seeing Evan Almighty before it goes to DVD but I'm sure it'll be funny. From what I can see it's a lot of animal ark jokes, and you really can't go wrong with those. Just the idea of some poor bloke trying to get two of everything on a boat - it's a visual humor dream. Today, though, I saw something that left me wondering whether to laugh or just stick my head down the toilet. The Creation Museum is opening in Kentucky, and they're there to tell you that Noah had dinosaurs on his ark. Fuck me crossways with bells on!

In case you really don't believe that arseholes like this exist, see the link below:

CLICK HERE FOR LINK TO FUCKWITS

Let me summarize for you - the earth was created in exactly six days and man was part of that, so dinosaurs can't have pre-dated man by millions of years, right? And anyway, the bible says the earth is only six thousand years old, so if we found dinosaur bones (kind of a bummer for the genesis crowd I would imagine - sort of hard to explain) then it must mean that dinosaurs were made on the sixth day too. This means that the only way they could have survived the great flood was for Noah to have had them on his ark.

So let's step back just for a second and contemplate two of every genus and species of animal ever seen in history (apart from the fish - I guess they didn't need rescuing) on a big wooden boat. And I mean every single one - it's not like anything could have evolved later, is it? There's getting on for 5,000 recognized species of mammal alone, and that's not accounting for any sub-species. It also doesn't account for dinosaurs - I've seen Jurassic Park and do you seriously believe that Noah coaxed two T.Rex onto a boat and kept them penned up so they wouldn't eat the goats and zebras? If you do, you're a twat of such mind-buggeringly huge proportions that you should be banned from sharing oxygen with the rest of us! People like this shouldn't be allowed to visit museums, much less build one.

Right now there's some witless cow trying to get Harry Potter banned from school libraries because of all the naughty witchcraft references. The thing is, I figure there's about as much believability in a teenage wizard riding to school on a magical train and learning to turn mice into teacups as there is in a story about a man who builds a wooden boat and collects two of every animal ever, including long-dead Brontosaurus and Dimetrodon, keeping them afloat while the rest of the world drowns.

Don't be fooled by these apparently harmless wallies though - before long they'll be burning us at the stake if we so much as utter the word "evolution". The puritans didn't come to the US all those years ago to promulgate freedom of religion - that's a fairy story. They just wanted the freedom to persecute the shit out of anyone who didn't agree with their version of religion.

Still, I'm all into freedom when it comes to personal religion, so in the interests of cultural diversity here's some other belief systems that we should be teaching in schools. In fact I'm thinking of starting a museum in Kentucky:

The tooth fairy
Little green men probing your anus
E-mails promising penis enlargement
Unicorns and leprechauns
The talking gingerbread man
Efficient government
Monkeys flying out of my butt
The flat earth
Testicles with their own intelligence

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Copyright 2007 Edward Bison (who, believe it or not, is not an atheist)