Germophobes

By amazing coincidence there were two programs on the radio this week that made reference to the issue of bacteria, and where you encounter them. The first talked about a recent study of where the most bacteria were to be found in daily life. Apparently researchers went around swabbing various public areas and testing for the amount of bacteria on the surfaces. What was top of the list? Public toilets? No. Fast food restaurants? No. Toilets in fast food restaurants? No (although it's hard to believe). In fact the top two sources of bacteria were childrens' play equipment and day care centers.

On the other program the presenters were discussing the inordinate lengths to which they go in order to avoid contact with germs in public restrooms. This included picking up paper towels on the way in and then using them to turn the taps on and off, as well as opening the door on the way out. Presumably these are the same people who decorate the toilet seat with elaborate arse origami prior to sitting down for a shit. What the fuck is wrong with these people? If you need to take a dump in a public restroom the best policy is to get in, get done and get out ASAP. By all means check the seat for piss before you sit down but don't neglect the more important check - that of ensuring the presence of toilet paper in the dispenser. You do not want to be shuffling to the next cubicle with your pants round your ankles, and it is under no circumstances acceptable to start conversing with any cubicle neighbours in a search for paper donations. In establishments with food available for purchase you may want to check under the seat for ketchup packets - this is a great prank unless you happen to be the one who sits down and bursts the sachets, spraying ketchup into your pants.

Once you start obsessing about bacteria you may as well walk around in latex gloves and a gas mask. Already it pisses me off if I get to the bog and find some wanker's left-over seat decoration. People must spend minutes wrapping the paper around and draping it precisely over the seat. Then they won't touch it to flush it away. Here's a little reminder - the last part of the operation involves you shoving your finger up your arse crack with nothing between it and your fudge-hole but a couple of sheets of economy bog roll. After that who cares about the germs on the door handle?

Which brings us back to the first study. Spot the common thread here - places where kids put their hands are, without doubt, the filthiest and most bacterially rich environments. This is either because they spend so much time handling their private parts without washing their hands, or because they are inherently filthy beings with no sense of cleanliness whatsoever. Either way, if you're the kind of person who is so whiny-arsed pussy that you won't sit on a toilet seat without "protection" then you'd better not be touching your kids without washing afterwards. In fact you should probably pick up paper towels first, so you can pat them on the head without contact.

At least men stand a chance - I am reliably informed that women's restrooms are by far worse than men's. This is, I believe, because it is standard operating procedure for women to "hover" over the seat, a manoeuver that would make more sense if their urinary equipment didn't function in much the same way as a lawn sprinkler. Even germophobe men will actually sit on the seat once they've covered it - women, it seems, are quite happy to shit from a great height and hope for the best.

The Chinese, typically, have solved all these problems. There's no worries about the seat because there's no seat. Or, indeed, toilet - just a hole in the floor. No worries about the door handle if there's no door. Relax about touching the taps when you wash your hands - there isn't any water, so don't bother. Hands aren't wet, so no need to touch the towel dispenser. Just be very careful if you intend to take an emergency dump. For the uninitiated it's dreadfully possible, with your pants round your ankles, to crap in your own pocket. Now that will take more than a couple of paper towels to fix...


Copyright 2007 Edward Bison