Search Me!

One of the ways in which people who create websites can stay humble is to check out their "stats" report and see just how many people bothered to visit their site at all, and what pages they viewed. This is a good way to remind yourself that it's a very big world, full of entertainment options, and next to no-one gives a flying fuck what you think. On the other hand the stats report does give you the ability to see what search phrases people used that ended up taking them to your site.

Obviously you hope that people discover you and, having decided that you're a creative genius, add you to their favorites list along with the all the sites with the funny videos. Then, hopefully, they'll go back and visit you from time to time, as well as telling about a hundred of their closest friends to check you out. (By the way, YouTube doesn't count as a funny video site, unless you're instinctively drawn to drunk teenagers staring into a camera and laughing at their own stupidity like they're the first people in the world ever to drink a beer.)

So, hopefully most people access your site directly but some are going to drift by when you get caught up in some online search they did. A lot of people devote enormous amounts of time to gaming this process by linking to other sites, embedding search phrases and all that crap. I posess neither the patience or the inclination to do this so my search phrases are really not a reflection of what I wanted to be associated with. In fact it's hard to imagine either a) why that particular search phrase led to my site, or b) why anyone would search that phrase in the first place.

About the most popular search phrase in terms of bringing new people to this site is "animal blowjobs". For fuck's sake, how many people are out there searching this subject?? And in the 51,900 results this phrase brought up, a lot with titles that include terms such as "animal sex" and "bestiality" (and the no-doubt delightful "dogfuckers.com") I have no idea where I rank, but trust me - it's not near the top! (I stopped looking after scrolling through the first 2,000 results.) I almost feel guilty - here are these poor perverts, just looking for a glimpse of some young lady sucking off a horse and instead they get me. They must be pretty desperate to get that far down the list of search results; I imagine them sitting there, dick in hand, cursing the people who post on the subject without including any actual pictures of people sucking off an animal.

I also get hits from the phrases "dog penis" and "dog fellatio", as well as the completely inexplicable "men hanging around public toilets". How did that happen? I've never even written about that last subject have I? Who are these people? Maybe they're serious researchers into the oral sexual habits of our canine friends, but I have a suspicion it's just more guys with a dick in one hand and a serious squint trying desperately to hunt down ultra-exotic porn.

But I'm not proud. I welcome all readers, from the faithful regulars to the just-passing porn-stalkers. Those of you in the former category, if I met you in person I'd shake you by the hand. You other guys, I'm glad you visited too but maybe I'll just wave, OK?


Copyright 2007 Edward Bison