Obey All Instructions...

Yesterday I spent about 24 hours traveling back from Shanghai to St.Louis, via Tokyo, and I got to experience the customary, predictable and ridiculous rituals that airlines make us go through. On the Tokyo-Chicago flight we were told that "Federal regulations" required that you only use the restrooms in your assigned cabin, but it was OK to stand outside while you waited for one to come free. On the Chicago-St.Louis flight (same carrier, by the way) these important regulations guaranteeing our safety no longer existed, but now it was "an offence punishable by detention and lethal injection" or some such shit, to stand by the restroom. They actually use the word "congregate" (please con't congregate in front of the restrooms) which in my book requires more than one person. You can hardly talk about one person "congregating" can you? But this cut no ice with American Airlines' brain-dead flight attendant.

Like so many other aspacts of travel, they clearly haven't thought this through. If you're sitting in coach (where your toilet is typically at the back of the plane) they have to assume that you sit with your head turned backwards, like some Exorcist out-take, while you guess whether the bog is occupied, or wait for someone to emerge; then rush back as fast as you can, because if someone else gets there first you won't be allowed to "congregate" (i.e. wait) by the door and will have to go back to your seat, climb over everyone and then try again five minutes later.

American even made this bullshit announcement about how "we want to make your journey as comfortable as possible - if there's anything we can do, just let us know". What absolute, complete and utter fucking bollocks. Just try asking a flight attendant (AKA bitter, wrinkled harridan) for something out of the ordinary, like the full can of soda, or a blanket, or anything at all apart from the air you breathe and the crappy seat you're sitting in, and see how far you get. The only difference between first and coach class is that in coach they just laugh at you, while in first they either explain why they can't or look at you as if you just took a dump in their handbag.

All this shit about not getting up while the seatbelt sign is on, putting your seat in the upright position before landing and turning off your video forty minutes before arrival, that's all crap too. I've flown other high quality airlines to and from the US, and they actually treat you like you have a brain, and as if they actually want you to enjoy the flight. Guess what? If the plane goes down it's not going to make a monkey fart of difference whether your seat is in the "upright and locked" position because you're going to end up with it sticking through your chest as you roast in a thousand degree inferno. But better make sure you haven't got your ipod on - that's against Federal regulations!

At the end of the day all these petty bullshit rules are there to make the airlines happy, just like all the small print that says they don't have any liability when they lose your luggage, cancel your flight or treat you like shit by making you sit on the tarmac for hours in the heat/cold. Who do you think made all that up? Passengers? That's your government looking after the interests of consumers as only governments can (after all, when was the last time you made a campaign donation the size of an airline's?).

So, since the rules change all the time and are completely meaningless, here are a few new ones I expect to hear soon:

"Passengers are forbidden from using more than four squares of toilet paper per visit; additional paper may be purchased from the flight attendant for $1 per square. Correct change is appreciated."

"Passengers whose name ends in a vowel will not receive the unbelievably nasty tiny bag of snack mix on flights that depart on Mondays and Wednesdays."

"Please refrain from expecting common courtesy from our staff in spite of having spent a six figure sum on travel with us this year. Even though we end every flight by saying "we know you have a choice when it comes to air travel and we really appreciate you choosing American Airlines, a member of the One World Alliance" we don't really mean it. You didn't actually believe that did you? Sorry."

"We reserve the right to lie through our uniformed arses about all aspects of your trip, including departure time, delays, connections, baggage carousel and whether we have any cans of Diet Sierra Mist left."

OK, I know I'm jetlagged and irritable, and therefore not inclined to cut anyone any slack today, but how fucking hard can it be? They've basically removed all the frills from the trip already - all they have to do is pour a small drink in a glass and drop a packet of indescribable cheesy shit on your tray table. If you don't want to "make our journey as enjoyable as possible" don't fucking tell us that you will. And lose the attitude, bitch; if it wasn't for the union they'd have replaced you a decade ago with someone who posessed brains, or personality, kindness or a sense of humor. Or at least some damn good breasts. Now hurry over here with your handbag - I need to take a dump and the seatbelt sign's on.


Copyright 2007 Edward Bison