And Voldemort Sucks Dicks...

Possibly the most disturbing thing about learning that Albus Dumbledore is gay is not the number of people who think this is wonderful, or the protests from those who think it's disgusting but the fact that the first response from these people isn't "who the fuck is Albus Dumbledore?". I suppose most people know of his character in the Harry Potter books, even if they've never read one, because it's been almost impossible to escape the hype around this series. I would bet, for instance, that more adults could name him than could identify from memory any character in more worthwhile fiction, such as "The Sun Also Rises", "Brighton Rock" or "Traisnpotting". Which is fucking sad, I have to say.

The other thing that pisses me off is that "right on" cow JK Rowling telling everyone that Dumbledore is gay now - after everyone's bought the books and she's sold all the movie rights for a giant fortune. If she'd had any guts (or if she really wanted to prove a point) she would have had Dumbledore actually do something gay in one of the books. He could have had his hand up Harry Potter's robes when he was bent over the Pensieve, or shagged Professor Quirrell up the arse in return for the Defense Against The Dark Arts job. But none of this happened. Calling Dumbledore gay after the story is over and the checks are all cashed is just chickenshit.

No, if JK Rowling really wanted to get alternative sexuality out there she could have made the effort to introduce more of her characters' colorful personal lives early on. Hagrid, for instance, enjoyed sex with animals - it's not for nothing that he taught "Care Of Magical Creatures". Sex with magical creatures, more like. His man-on-beast scene with Buckbeak would have shown his true desires, had it been included, and he used to do things with blast-ended skrewts that would make your hair curl. Percy Weasley had a diaper fetish which he used to indulge in secret, in the prefects' quarters, where Penelope Clearwater would change and powder him. Professor Snape perfected the Avada Kedavra charm solely so that he could practice necrophilia, his own personal predilection. Neville Longbottom was a feeder, with an insatiable desire for obese women; his visits to Honeydukes were mainly to acquire more candy in order to fatten up a 200lb Hufflepuff girl. Draco Malfoy liked girls too, but was known to "prefer the back door"; he introduced Hermione Granger to the delights of anal sex in the girls' bathroom while Moaning Myrtle watched from around the u-bend. The next day Hermione was so sore she had to use Wingardium Leviosa on herself to keep her arse off the chair during Potions. Filch, the caretaker, was known to expose himself to first-years if he caught them alone in the corridor; Professor McGonagall knew about this and would have fired him but Filch had pictures of her from a "Wizards' Wives" edition of Playspell that he had threatened to post on the Hogwarts notice board if she intervened. And so on...

It's all bollocks, of course, but hardly more ridiculous than stating now that Dumbledore was gay. There's about as much evidence in the books that Cho Chang wanked off boys behind the Quidditch sheds in return for cigarettes, or that the true cause of Cedric Diggory's death was auto-erotic strangulation gone wrong.

And the saddest thing of all is the fact that I can write this without reference to any of the books. If you get all the references then you too are probably one sad wanker. Never mind - look on the bright side. You could be that bloke that spent $1200 getting a giant Dumbeldore tattoo on his back before the news came out. I'm guessing that right there is now someone's fantasy. I think I'll stick with Tolkien - at least if the Hobbits were rump-humping each other in the Shire they did it discreetly...


Copyright 2007 Edward Bison