Bored Of Breasts?

I was talking with Mrs.Bison last night and happened to refer during the conversation to a young woman at work. She asked "Is that the one with the big arse?" and I replied that, no, this one had big tits. Wonderful, pendulous breasts. I then went on to make a Homer Simpson-like noise of appreciation, "Mmmmmm! Pendulous breasts!". When she commented that "You like her breasts then?" I stated that I wouldn't mind playing with them for thirty minutes, just for fun. At this point she challenged me: what could I do with them for thirty minutes? Wouldn't I have basically checked everything out in about five?

That got me thinking, partly because it was an interesting question, and partly because it was a reason to continue thinking about breasts. When presented with a new and fascinating pair of breasts, for how long would you play with them before becoming bored and going for a beer, or turning on the TV? This sounds like a strange question, I'm sure. "Why would I stop? I'd keep going and move on to other, hairier stuff!" But what if there was no "moving on"? What if it was just breasts. No conversation, no kissing, no bearded clam, no hand shandy and no hide-the-salami. It's just a pair of breasts and you can play with them for as long as you like. Or not.

This is not an easy question to answer because in the real world breasts tend not to come as a separate package. Consumer marketing types might attempt to derive the real "value" of breasts by a process of conjoint analysis whereby bundles of various body parts and sex acts are rated and priced, but I know fuck-all about how you would do this. Plus it won't tell you how long you'd play with them, only how much you'd be prepared to pay for the privilege (a somewhat different question).

It could be that breasts by themselves have the same level of attraction as a dead mouse to a cat: you'll play with them for a bit but if it's not going anywhere you'll soon lose interest. So how long is long enough to appreciate a new pair?

I did read that a Men's Health survey rated the foreplay time of various nationalities of men and British men topped the chart with 17.44 minutes of foreplay. Leaving aside the ridiculousness of timing this, what a great result for the Brits! But what does this 17.44 minutes tell us about the amount of time that breasts can be appreciated? My guess is that once you've factored in kissing, cuddling, stroking, undressing, sucking, fingering, licking, tugging and all the other variations on the theme of foreplay, the minutes-per-breast count goes way down. Admittedly these are not going to be "fresh new breasts" every time, so the novelty value has to be factored in, but my esteemed spouse may be onto something here: if there's nothing else on offer, fifteen minutes of breast appreciation may be as much as is required.

I suppose there's only one way to find out. Next time I get the opportunity to examine some strange woman's naked breasts I'm going to have to grab it with both hands, and time it. You know, it's a tough life bringing science to the masses, but someone's got to do it...


Copyright 2007 Edward Bison