Have A Jodrell

As I've stated before, English is a rich language, particularly "real" English, which is embroidered with thousands of euphemisms, slang terms and similes (look it up) which provide endless opportunity to shock and appall. I was reminded of this last night when watching a movie in which a character was caught by his wife "pulling his plum over the sink". His mate refers to this act as "having a Jodrell", an obscure reference to anyone from outside the UK, and unlikely to be readily decoded. Let me explain:

Rhyming slang in the UK originated with cockneys from East London. They would replace a common word with a pair of words, the second of which rhymed with the original. Then they would often use only the first of the two new words, making it hard to understand what the fuck they were talking about. For instance: "I got my mate on the dog and told him to meet me down the rub-a-dub. The trouble and strife was giving it verbal but I put on me new whistle and was off down the frog and toad before she new what was 'appening."

Dog = Dog and Bone = Phone
Rub-a-dub = Pub
Trouble and Strife = Wife
Whistle and Flute = Suit
Frog and Toad = Road

In other words, "I phoned my friend and told him to meet me at the pub. My wife was somewhat upset by this but I put on my suit and left quickly."

Rhyming slang has continued to evolve and is now no longer heard much in East London (where people tend to speak more Bangladeshi) although it shows up all over the rest of the UK. A Jodrell, for instance, is exactly the same as a J.Arthur. Jodrell Bank (a famous UK observatory) = J.Arthur Rank = Barclays Bank = Ham Shank = Wank. Still not much use to the average American, who probably doesn't know what a wank is. It is, in fact, a wonderful word, both verb and noun, meaning to masturbate (male) or the act of masturbation.

American men can jerk off. Or possibly jack off, choke the chicken or spank the monkey. But British men can also have a J.Arthur, pull their pud, visit Mrs.Palm and her five lovely daughters, punch the clown, jerk the gherkin, shake hands with the unemployed, indulge in one-handed reading, bash the bishop, punish percy in the palm, put one in the sink, peel the eel, have a toss, enjoy a hand shandy, do the five knuckle shuffle, beat their meat, milk the donkey, take things in hand, paint the ceiling, have a quick one off the wrist or engage in hand-to-gland combat.

Does this mean that Brits wank more than Americans? I doubt it, but it could mean they talk about it more. Over here it's the last taboo. Alright, one of the last - I admit that shagging a pig is probably higher on the list, at least outside Arkansas. But when was the last time you asked a colleague what they did over the weekend and they said "Oh, I don't know, cut the grass, watched some football, had a wank and went out for dinner at that new Thai place"? It's not going to happen. And if it did you'd certainly feel differently about shaking hands with them. But masturbation is an important part of male life. Never maturbating would be like having a magic lever that brings joy and pleasure, and never using it. Wanking is to sex what a Snickers bar is to a three course meal - it's not a replacement, and you wouldn't want to try and survive on it, but that doesn't mean you won't have one "between meals".

Just remember, though, that a the similarity between a wank and a Snickers is limited: you shouldn't get one at the supermarket check-out, and don't give one to your friends on a long car journey. Here endeth the lesson. Now go forth emboldened by this new knowledge and take life firmly by the hand.


Copyright 2007 Edward Bison