It's My Glands

I happened to be in the supermarket freezer section a while back, looking for idiot-proof microwavable meals, for reasons that are too dull even for this journal. The whole section basically divided into three categories: pizza, ice cream and diet meals. I didn't want pizza, already had ice cream and was not about to buy sodding diet meals. The whole premise seems to be that you buy some little overpriced box of "healthy" diet food and, by restricting yourself to dull meals from Weight Watchers or Healthy Options, you magically stop being a fat bastard and lose weight. For any normal human being they are pointless simply because you get fuck all food for the money and need about three boxes for a good meal.

So why is there such a market for this stuff? The commercials all seem to be about "busy women, on the go, with complicated lifestyles, needing nutrition to balance work, life and family". If the customers spent half as much time balancing their lifestyles as they do in the commercials they wouldn't have time to eat like a pig and therefore wouldn't need the product. The real target audience is a lazy cow looking for a magic weight loss solution.

For one thing, if you have any time to spare you'd be better off buying simple ingredients and preparing food yourself. The only possible reason (other than convenience when you're truly busy) for buying prepared meals in a box is that you don't trust yourself to eat the right stuff, or the right quantity, if you make your own dinner. But that's where the whole thing falls down; if you can't trust yourself not to eat too much when you make dinner then you obviously can't trust yourself not to have that brownie at the office, or the giant mocca latte, or the burger and fries for lunch.

It's the same problem that afflicts borrowers who refinance their home to pay off credit card debts; within months they've built up new credit card debt to the same level as before and now have a high mortgage payment as well. This is because their spending habits never changed. The "magic solution" of the home equity loan is no different from the hundreds of weight-loss products that promise easy results; it doesn't work unless you're prepared to make the tough choices.

You may as well eat what you want - you'll still be a fat fucker but at least you'll enjoy your food, and you won't be shoveling cash to Weight Watchers and all those other parasites. I have friends who are "overweight" because they enjoy eating good food much more than exercising - it's a choice and I respect it. If you do want to lose weight the recipe is simple - eat less, exercise more. If you haven't lost weight it's because you eat too much and don't exercise enough. Very fucking simple. You don't need to buy books, join clubs or purchase frozen shit in tiny portions to grasp this concept do you? All you need is willpower. Now I know willpower is hard. I have a bag of 100 Grand bars in the cupboard that are meant for trick or treaters and I could happily eat the fucking lot. I eat candy regularly because I enjoy it. However I don't expect that I'm going to lose weight doing it.

The bottom line is that if you try and stop doing something that you really enjoy, sooner or later you're going to crack and go back to it. (Which is, interestingly, why serial killers usually end up getting caught.) So you'd better find a way to eat less of something you enjoy rather than eating crap you hate. The alternative is weight-loss surgery, but this is a bit like achieving celibacy by cutting off your dick. Who needs willpower when you're physically incapable of the act in question? You're still a weak-willed wanker, but now you inhabit a surgically altered body. Plus you can't treat yourself to that double quarter pounder without yakking it all up five minutes later. Nice.

Anyway, I mostly don't care whether people are overwieght, except when they go so far that they spill over into my seat on the plane or push up my insurance costs; I just wish that all those diet meals weren't clogging up freezers and taking up space that could be dedicated to frozen chicken madras and Findus crispy pancakes. And don't complain that "I can't lose weight, no matter what I do". It's all bollocks. Unless you have a giant tapeworm growing inside you, you're fat because you eat too much. Get over it.


Copyright 2007 Edward Bison