The Seasonal Apparel Game

It's that time of year again: all over the US suburban women are breaking out the seasonal apparel. It's not enough that they select clothing in appropriate shades of brown, orange and red, they have to go the extra mile and wear sweaters with pumpkins on. And witches. And other shit. Plus it's not just sweaters - it's earrings, t-shirts, cardigans and fuck knows what other stuff.

What happens to these people? When you're a fashionable teenager you don't buy a cardigan with a fucking pumpkin on it, so at what point do you suddenly switch into mommy mode and decide that it's OK? The fall/halloween season is but a warm-up for the main event, though. Christmas (or "the holidays" to politically correct tossers) is a license to people everywhere to dress up in naff clothing adorned with Christmas trees, angels, gifts, stars, snowmen and Rudolph the fucking reindeer. If you walk around any office that has a "business casual" dress code you'll see them - middle-aged women in seasonal sweaters. Possibly a few men, too, although you can be fairly sure the sweater in question was a gift, in return for which he was required to leave his balls at home.

There's no point fighting it but if you think I'm going to suggest that "if you can't beat them, join them" then you've seriously misjudged this site. Instead it's a case of "if you can't beat them, make a game out of them". Next time you're at some social gathering make sure you have an opponent (a like-minded individual) and see who can find the greatest number, and overall most ridiculous example, of seasonal apparel victims. Just remember the following rules:

• One seasonal apparel wearer scores one point, regardless of the number of stupid things they are wearing.
  
• Male specimens score two points because they are more rare.
  
• The overall "MVP" seasonal apparel victim shall be judged not just on the number of items they are wearing but on the overall offensiveness of the clothing in question.
  
• First to spot the eventual MVP will win this category, but the sighting must be declared to the opponent by stating "Fuck me! Look at that one. I claim it!", preferably in a loud voice.
  
• Sightings of seasonal underwear score five points, but these must be actual sightings; it's not enough to have someone claim to be wearing a thong with a Christmas tree on.
  
• Managing to actually shag someone in seasonal apparel scores twenty points, unless it's your wife/husband and you brought them to the event, in which case please sort your life out.

You can obviously play many variations of these rules but, in whatever form you choose, the game is designed to bring joy to a season otherwise littered with sartorial sadness. If you hadn't noticed those sweaters before you certainly will now. Good luck for the 2007 seasonal apparel season.


Copyright 2007 Edward Bison