Stiff Hamster

It's been a long week. My timing was all fucked up after the trip to China and it's taken me until now even to get back to the crappy sleep pattern I had before I left. Jet-lag can be a bitch. So I was reading the news today during a dull moment at work, of course focusing on the important world-changing events, when something caught my attention. In case any of you failed to notice, the Ig Nobel awards were just handed out. This spoof ceremony, which takes place at Harvard, recognizes "obscure and bizarre" research. And the winner this year? The discovery that Viagra cures jet-lag in hamsters.

What wonderful news! Of course the benefits to be derived from this discovery are somewhat limited, given the relatively few hamsters I see boarding transcontinental flights these days (maybe they have problems getting the water bottle through airport security), but it does raise hope for me. I am already resigned to the likelihood that I will die young as a result of all the jet-lag I experience; that research was done on rats, I think, and it's pretty depressing. Nevertheless, I'm always interested in anything that will make the time before I die more bearable. Could it be true that good old Viagra might be a cure for jet-lag in humans too?

I undertstand the rationale for conducting research on hamsters when new drugs are involved - after all they tend to make less headlines when they die unexpectedly, and can actually be flushed away, whereas for some reason sudden deaths of human subjects get the regulatory authorities all excited. But in this case I fail to understand why they didn't use real people. After all, they would be more than happy to take the pill, and they could actually tell you how they feel, rather than just showing you by not running the right way down the maze. On the other hand, I can imagine the attraction of conducting hamster research - just imagine the furry little bastards with a prolonged erection. Do you think it would get in the way when they run around on their wheel? Would they be unable to crawl through the plastic tube without getting their dick caught?

I'd love to have seen the reaction of the professor who approved the funding for that project though. "You're going to get a bunch of hamsters and give them what?" Still it's all in a good cause, and I should head down to my friendly neighborhood quack on Monday to ask him for some blue pills "just to treat my jet-lag". I'd be more alert in meetings, focused on my work and energized with customers. The fact that I'd be making presentations with a huge boner would, I'm sure, be a minor inconvenience to my understanding colleagues.

It does beg the question: how do you know when a hamster is jet-lagged? The obvious answer is that it keeps falling asleep, but if you give it Viagra of course it won't sleep! As the old joke goes, "What's the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on." Maybe that's all they proved here, in which case there's still no fucking hope on the horizon for me and my jet-lag. Oh well, it's getting late, and in the absence of an erection I'm going to bed. Goodnight all!


Copyright 2007 Edward Bison