Balls To Ameren

One thing I happened to notice in the DIY store this weekend was generators. Great big deluxe versions that you could (presumably) use to power your whole house, and all for the bargain price of $3,000 and some change. Of course that's before you have it delivered, fitted and whatever else they have to do to generators so that you don't kill your whole family with carbon monoxide. Plus for that kind of money this had better be the model that whitens your teeth and makes your penis larger while you sleep. I never really saw the attraction of generators until last year when my power went out for three days. Once it came back I swore that I wouldn't go through another St.Louis winter with my comfort in the hands of those utter wankers at Ameren. Fuck them all, I'd get a generator.

Well here we are, with the TV weather people gleefully talking about "big sweeping regions of cold air coming down from Canada" again, and I'm no more ready this winter than last, unless you count having more flashlights. These will come in handy if I need to find my testicles again after they have once more sought sanctuary from the bitter cold in my house by fleeing North towards my armpits.

During the miserable heat of summer it's hard to imagine that you were ever cold, and I for one could not get motivated about figuring out what type of generator to buy. Plus there's plenty of time. Now I'm not sure I can rationalise the purchase - what kind of pansy am I that I couldn't tough it out for a few days again? And even if it does get really cold, how many nights in a hotel could I buy with the cost of a generator? The answer, of course is "None, motherfucker - you tried to wait out the cold and all the rooms in a hundred mile radius were taken, either by pussies who wimped out on day one or contractors dragged in by Ameren to help them figure out how to make the tingly stuff go down the wires to your house again".

Of course there's nothing quite like the simple pleasure of realising that the power came back on again and you can now make a cup of tea / watch TV / heat your house to something above freezing. Unless it's the simple pleasure of driving back from yet another crappy meal at some local excuse for a restaurant actually knowing that you will have a warm house with lights on waiting for you. Yep, that sounds like a better plan. I know the DIY superstore has probably got me by the balls and I'll pay over the odds for a generator at this time of year but I still remember not being able to find my balls, it was that cold, so maybe it's not such a high price to pay...


Copyright 2007 Edward Bison