God's Waiting Room

One of the many things that you have to get used to when you move from the UK to the midwestern United States is that everyone assumes you go to church. The contrast with the country where I grew up could hardly be more stark - here people don't ask whether you go to church, they ask which church you go to. In the UK no-one asks if you go to church because the assumption is that you don't, and the implied accusation that you might be a god-botherer might be taken as an insult. Now you might assume from this that America is a land of righteousness whereas the UK is a pit filled with sodomites; this is clearly not the case. In fact your best chance for a spot of sodomy probably comes from attending church as a boy in the US, particularly if you are of the Catholic persuasion. (And if you play your cards right you could end up as a churchwarden / serial killer like Dennis Rader.)

This is not a site filled with serious discourse (in case you hadn't noticed) so I shall refrain from attempting to explain why it is that everyone here goes to church. It's true, though, that the social side to churchgoing in St.Louis seems to transcend any actual need to believe in God. I know of one woman whose choice of denomination was heavily influenced by the clothes she would be able to wear. Apparently eternal damnation isn't a big decision criterion these days...

When I was a kid attendance at church wasn't optional; I had to go every Sunday because that's what my family did. Never mind that it was a beautiful day outside and my friends were going to play football; no, I was going to dress up like a cunt and sit in a dingy hall filled with ancient furniture and even more ancient women. I did go through a phase of looking forward to church but that was because I had developed a monstrous sexual infatuation with a girl who also attended. The fact that I never achieved any progress towards full genital congress and that she grew up to do missionary work does, in retrospect, make this seem like a rather fucking pointless phase of my life.

This was a rare time where there were other kids of my own age in the church. For the most part churchgoers were retired men and women who seemed to be putting in a few years of preparation before meeting the "man upstairs" in person. And there was a definite dress code. For men it was grey suits and pigeon-shit grey hair. For women it meant sensible shoes, brown tights, skirt jacket and hat. Always a hat. Where did these hats come from? I swear no-one wore them in their younger years, so why did they suddenly develop the urge to acquire dozens of church hats? The women would fuss around after a service making coffee in giant pots. The smell of scalded milk, dust and soap is something I don't think I'll ever forget.

It's tempting to point to the hats and the lack of potential sex partners as reasons why church attendance is so low in the UK but it probably has more to do with the fact that churches now find it unfashionable to actually believe in anything. Witness the terrible trouble that Anglicans have deciding whether homosexuality is:

A. A sin to be condemned. Keep off arses or you'll burn in hell.
B. A sin which we would prefer you didn't commit but you're very welcome here even if you do, provided that you refrain from actual sodomy on the premises.
C. Something which is your own life choice and we support your right even though it falls short of the ideal family.
D. Just as valid as heterosexuality, never mind what the Bible said. In fact we positively encourage it these days you know...
E. Compulsory, because the vicar said so. But don't tell your parents.

Meanwhile in the US churches are thriving on a diet of absolute bloody certainty. Evangelical preachers are everywhere, proclaiming that you shall receive salvation, and you shall sit at the right hand of God for all eternity, just give your credit card details and we'll bill you in large, easy installments. Have you seen these people? Fucking scary doesn't even come close to describing them; they honestly believe the earth was created in seven days and dinosaurs lived on Noah's Ark. They stare out of the TV screen with that wide-eyed zealousness you only find in the truly saved and proceed to talk exclusively out of their arse. They are probably the most dangerous group of people in the US today and they'd ban this site and 99% of the internet in a heartbeat if they could. This in spite of the fact that it turns out they're all either embezzling, cheating on their taxes, screwing around, hiring rent boys, or some combination of the above.

If I had to choose, I much prefer religion British style. Sure the churches were often uncomfortable and the services ate into valuable weekend time. The smell of coffee, hats and mothballs could be nauseating. But if I had to give up part of my Sunday again I'd rather do it in the company of people who tolerate sodomy ("while not performing it myself you know, never my cup of tea") than those who thump the pulpit and condemn homosexuality before proceeding to accost strange men in public toilets. Plus there's always the chance you could corrupt some churchgoing girl in sensible shoes. If I'd had my way that girl from my church would never have become a missionary. Possibly could have made her a lesbian though...


Copyright 2007 Edward Bison