I've Found Your Problem...

An absurd number of blogs seem to be dedicated to women trying to get pregnant, women who are pregnant and women who just gave birth and feel it their duty to infect the world with numerous electronic pictures of their spawn. Pregnancy seems to inspire this obsessive trait in women. I suppose that's natural; without the irrational compulsion to reproduce why would any sane person sign up to have a fully formed head rip through their vagina?

Those people who have difficulty conceiving seem prepared to go to almost any length to exercise their seemingly inalienable right to foist their offspring on the world. (By the way, am I the only person who wants to vomit when I hear a couple say "WE are trying to get pregnant"?) I suppose I can understand, therefore, why people go through infertility treatment and artificial insemination in order to get the deed done. Unfortunately this gives rise to those "heart warming" stories on the local news about the so-and-so quintuplets or sextuplets or whatever, including how well they are growing up and what a busy time it is for mum and dad. It always seems to be the least suitable people who end up saturating the gene pool with their unnatural progeny though, as if nature is saying "fuck with me and this is what you get".

So what about lesbians? They seem to be entitled to show up for their shot on the high-tech turkey baster too, but I think the conversation should go something like this:

DOCTOR Good morning. What seems to be the problem today?

LESBIAN I'd like to get pregnant please.

DOCTOR Well, just get undressed and lie on this table. I'm not as young as I was but I'll see what I can do.

LESBIAN No, you don't understand. My partner and I want to have a baby.

DOCTOR I see. So what do you need from me?

LESBIAN Well, we can't do it by ourselves. We need, erm, medical help.

DOCTOR What seems to be the problem? Your boyfriend a Jaffa?

LESBIAN Jaffa?

DOCTOR Seedless.

LESBIAN No. I mean it's not a boyfriend. I'm a lesbian. My partner is a woman.

DOCTOR Ah! Well I think I can see your problem.

LESBIAN Good!

DOCTOR Yes. It's a fairly standard thing. You see you can't make a hot dog with two buns and no sausage.

LESBIAN What?

DOCTOR You need a penis. And some balls. That's where the seed comes from you see, and...

LESBIAN I know perfectly well where the seed comes from. But I don't want to have sex with a man.

DOCTOR Well I'm afraid there's not much I can do to help. Showing up here asking to get pregnant without shagging a man is a bit like asking to win the lottery without buying a ticket. I mean, meet me half way here. You haven't even tried wanking a guy off into a cup and using that have you? With millions uninsured and premiums rising dramatically for those who have coverage you'd like me to take time out from healing the sick in order that you don't have to wrestle the purple headed bed snake so you can get knocked up? Are you that fucking lazy? Do you expect your meals to be pureed for you and fed to you through a straw? Can you not take on one simple task yourself? Getting fucked isn't that difficult you know.

LESBIAN But my partner...

DOCTOR Take her along! You could have them queueing round the block for a threes-up. You might get a two-fer pregnancy into the bargain!

No it won't happen. But surely nature intended that procreation should be accomplished between two consenting adults who either found each other desirable enough to shag, or who were too drunk to care. Then, and only then, are you qualified to post the entire mind-numbingly uninteresting story of your pregnancy and all the unremarkable feats of your new baby for the world to ignore.


Copyright 2007 Edward Bison