Looking For Animal Blowjobs?

It's been a while since I updated you on the status of my statistics, and more precisely the search phrases that are bringing people to this site. Now, the vast majority of people either have me on a favorites list or sign up for the direct feed, so search engine hits don't represent much of my weekly traffic. On the other hand they do bring new people to the site, which is good because not enough of you bastards are telling your friends and family to visit. Yes I know I sometimes write about dodgy subjects (OK, I always write about dodgy subjects) but who knows? Maybe your old aunt Margaret has an undiscovered interest in animal sex.

I wrote about this subject before in a post called Search Me, which is worth checking out first. In any case, here are the current top ten search phrases that have pulled up my site:

animal blowjobs
chest hair
animal sex
vacuum sex
pendulous breasts
animal blow jobs
boob
people and animal sex
bison shop
shaven

I don't know about you, but I think I can see a pattern emerging here. In fact, if you Google animal blowjobs (without quotation marks) I currently come up as result number 3, just behind animalblowjobs.net. My parents would be so proud! (No, I didn't click on it, and no, I have no idea if that's really what it contains.) The only bright spot is that the "bison shop" search might lead people to my store and the purchase of high quality Mr.Bison t-shirts.

Looking further down the list of search phrases it's pretty much more of the same, but here are some of my favorites (all genuine):

J Arthur salon St. Louis (There were several variations on this search, apparently prompted by my pointing out that the name of the salon is a popular euphemism for masturbation).
vacuum cleaner erotic sex (Someone out there is sitting with their dick in a Dyson).
how do you meet girls who like animal sex (Maybe the question should be "why would you want to?" but apparently they're out there somewhere...)
fuck female goat (I love the specificity - this person clearly doesn't want to see pictures of a male goat - he's definitely not queer you know).
because (Bit of an existential one this. I'm guessing that if "because" is your question mrbison.com is probably not your answer).
completely shaven (Now I just know I'm not what this person was looking for).
fat people wal mart (Apparently I'm not the only person to have made this connection).
milf missouri (Always happy to help put someone on the road to some milf action, but I don't think my site was what they were looking for).

There are hundreds more, many of them too disturbing even for me to publish (believe it or not). Here's my problem though: I have this mental image of my "audience" as bright, well-adjusted people but with a warped sense of humor. I didn't imagine them fantasizing about horse sex, goat sex or hamster filching (yes, for real). Unfortunately I don't get hits from people who are searching for humorous writing. Notably absent from my search phrases are words like talented writer, great humor, funny British bloke or "must read this". So I appear to be perfectly positioned to attract an audience of dogfuckers and would-be sheep molesters. It's not that I mind - it's just that I don't think this site is what they are looking for, and absent any pictures of blokes balls-deep in a pig it's unlikely they'll be coming back for a second visit. Especially as I'm constantly taking the piss out of them.

Still, while I may never make it as a "talented writer" it's always possible that I'll end up as the internet search-engine king of animal blowjobs. Just imagine that on your resume!

[By the way, I searched animal blowjobs in Google just to see where I ranked. Later I clicked over to Google Images to search for something entirely unrelated. Safe search was off. Guess what came up? Trust me, you don't ever want to look...]


Copyright 2007 Edward Bison