A Perfect Day
6:00 Wake up. Realize I don't have to get up. Then realize I am in wonderful mansion by the coast. Scratch and reposition testicles; roll over and ignore the world.
7:30 Awake again from surreal but sexually explicit dream to the sound of Bix Beiderbecke, the smell of a full English breakfast and a really good cup of tea, delivered on a tray.
8:00 Get up. After all, this is going to be a busy day - I can't just lie here the whole time. Head downstairs and eat English breakfast on patio overlooking the sea. Weather is perfect. Butler brings me my Blackberry. I place it on a brick and crush it with another brick. Life is good.
8:30 Relaxing shit on luxury Japanese toilet, equipped with full supply of books and magazines. Finger does not go through paper. Life just gets better and better.
8:45 Shower under giant "drench" shower head, dry with fluffy towels and relax in chair while genuine barber shaves me with a straight razor. Just the face.
9:00 Limo arrives with workout buddy and takes us to the gym. We take the scenic route, drink a Red Bull and watch comedy on the in-car DVD.
9:30 Gym time. It's a good workout; achieve new personal best on something owing to presence of many gym beauties providing added inspiration. Shoot the shit with guys at the gym.
11:30 Limo returns us to the mansion, where I receive assisted shower from two beautiful Asian girls. Workout buddy is somewhere else; this is strictly a one-wiener situation you understand.
12:00 Lunch. Magnificent spread of sushi and sashimi, complemented by good bottle of sake.
1:00 Hook up with three friends for 9 holes of golf on picturesque course. No other fuckwits in stupid trousers are around to get in the way. Don't lose too many balls or hit anything at right angles from the tee. Attractive cart wench brings refreshment regularly. Shows us her boobs for a dare. They are good.
3:30 Return for full body massage. NFL game is on the TV in the massage room.
5:30 Butler arrives with 12 year-old Islay malt whisky and escorts me to hot tub on the deck where two perfectly formed, intelligent young women with few morals are waiting.
6:00 That didn't take long did it? Return to house for roast beef dinner with roast potatoes, Yorkshire pudding and horseradish sauce.
9:00 Different limo arrives to take me to indoor soccer game. Score amazing goal; team wins close game and retires to the bar to relive best moments.
12:00 Fucking knackered. Limo returns me to mansion and wonderful soft bed. Fall asleep.
6:00 Wake up. It was just a dream. Bollocks. Roll over and scratch testicles. That part seems real enough. Mansion is gone. Substitute suburban house in midwestern United States. Fuck it - at least it's a weekend.
7:30 Woodpecker starts eating side of house. Jump up and shout "fuck off" while banging on the wall.
8:00 Get up. After all it's pointless trying to go back to sleep after that. Head downstairs and eat breakfast with family. Breakfast consists of banana protein shake and toast with cup of tea. Sea is twelve hours away. Weather is cold and shit. Still, life ain't bad.
8:30 Relaxing shit on normal toilet while reading old Viz annuals. You know, this part doesn't really get any better. Attempt to wipe with Quilted Northern toilet paper. Finger goes through. Fuck it. Fuck Quilted Northern.
9:00 Hang out with family. Don't know where the fuck the time goes, but it does.
10:00 Drive to gym via dry cleaner. Pick up shirts.
10:30 Meet workout buddy at the gym. Lift like a twat; pain in shoulder. Should go to quack but then he'll probably advise "rest and don't lift heavy weights" and I'll just ignore him, so why waste the copay? Girls at gym provide limited inspiration.
12:30 Return home to lunch made by putting whole can of tuna in a sandwich with miracle whip.
2:00 Go shopping for something. Don't find it. Encounter hundreds of arseholes in the stores, car parks and mall. Wish it was legal to thin the herd of anyone who pissed me off.
4:00 Get home. What the fuck happened to the day? Make cup of tea and watch sport on TV.
4:30 Realise that TV is all shit and head to Blockbuster to rent movie.
5:00 Realise that movies are all shit; rent something that promises to not be shit and return home.
6:30 Dinner cooked by Mrs.Bison. This is always good.
8:00 Ritual of getting Bison daughter to go to bed begins.
9:00 Ritual ends. Eventually. We'll miss it when we don't have to do it any more though.
9:30 Watch movie. Realise that it is, indeed, utter shit. Realise that hell is a quiet evening in suburban St.Louis. Then remember quiet evenings in suburban St.Louis with no power. Life not so bad anymore.
11:30 Go to bed. Hope for dream like last night's. Or at least hope not to be woken up by fucking woodpecker again.
Copyright 2007 Edward Bison
7:30 Awake again from surreal but sexually explicit dream to the sound of Bix Beiderbecke, the smell of a full English breakfast and a really good cup of tea, delivered on a tray.
8:00 Get up. After all, this is going to be a busy day - I can't just lie here the whole time. Head downstairs and eat English breakfast on patio overlooking the sea. Weather is perfect. Butler brings me my Blackberry. I place it on a brick and crush it with another brick. Life is good.
8:30 Relaxing shit on luxury Japanese toilet, equipped with full supply of books and magazines. Finger does not go through paper. Life just gets better and better.
8:45 Shower under giant "drench" shower head, dry with fluffy towels and relax in chair while genuine barber shaves me with a straight razor. Just the face.
9:00 Limo arrives with workout buddy and takes us to the gym. We take the scenic route, drink a Red Bull and watch comedy on the in-car DVD.
9:30 Gym time. It's a good workout; achieve new personal best on something owing to presence of many gym beauties providing added inspiration. Shoot the shit with guys at the gym.
11:30 Limo returns us to the mansion, where I receive assisted shower from two beautiful Asian girls. Workout buddy is somewhere else; this is strictly a one-wiener situation you understand.
12:00 Lunch. Magnificent spread of sushi and sashimi, complemented by good bottle of sake.
1:00 Hook up with three friends for 9 holes of golf on picturesque course. No other fuckwits in stupid trousers are around to get in the way. Don't lose too many balls or hit anything at right angles from the tee. Attractive cart wench brings refreshment regularly. Shows us her boobs for a dare. They are good.
3:30 Return for full body massage. NFL game is on the TV in the massage room.
5:30 Butler arrives with 12 year-old Islay malt whisky and escorts me to hot tub on the deck where two perfectly formed, intelligent young women with few morals are waiting.
6:00 That didn't take long did it? Return to house for roast beef dinner with roast potatoes, Yorkshire pudding and horseradish sauce.
9:00 Different limo arrives to take me to indoor soccer game. Score amazing goal; team wins close game and retires to the bar to relive best moments.
12:00 Fucking knackered. Limo returns me to mansion and wonderful soft bed. Fall asleep.
6:00 Wake up. It was just a dream. Bollocks. Roll over and scratch testicles. That part seems real enough. Mansion is gone. Substitute suburban house in midwestern United States. Fuck it - at least it's a weekend.
7:30 Woodpecker starts eating side of house. Jump up and shout "fuck off" while banging on the wall.
8:00 Get up. After all it's pointless trying to go back to sleep after that. Head downstairs and eat breakfast with family. Breakfast consists of banana protein shake and toast with cup of tea. Sea is twelve hours away. Weather is cold and shit. Still, life ain't bad.
8:30 Relaxing shit on normal toilet while reading old Viz annuals. You know, this part doesn't really get any better. Attempt to wipe with Quilted Northern toilet paper. Finger goes through. Fuck it. Fuck Quilted Northern.
9:00 Hang out with family. Don't know where the fuck the time goes, but it does.
10:00 Drive to gym via dry cleaner. Pick up shirts.
10:30 Meet workout buddy at the gym. Lift like a twat; pain in shoulder. Should go to quack but then he'll probably advise "rest and don't lift heavy weights" and I'll just ignore him, so why waste the copay? Girls at gym provide limited inspiration.
12:30 Return home to lunch made by putting whole can of tuna in a sandwich with miracle whip.
2:00 Go shopping for something. Don't find it. Encounter hundreds of arseholes in the stores, car parks and mall. Wish it was legal to thin the herd of anyone who pissed me off.
4:00 Get home. What the fuck happened to the day? Make cup of tea and watch sport on TV.
4:30 Realise that TV is all shit and head to Blockbuster to rent movie.
5:00 Realise that movies are all shit; rent something that promises to not be shit and return home.
6:30 Dinner cooked by Mrs.Bison. This is always good.
8:00 Ritual of getting Bison daughter to go to bed begins.
9:00 Ritual ends. Eventually. We'll miss it when we don't have to do it any more though.
9:30 Watch movie. Realise that it is, indeed, utter shit. Realise that hell is a quiet evening in suburban St.Louis. Then remember quiet evenings in suburban St.Louis with no power. Life not so bad anymore.
11:30 Go to bed. Hope for dream like last night's. Or at least hope not to be woken up by fucking woodpecker again.
Copyright 2007 Edward Bison
posted by Mr Bison at
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