Virginity Please

Minor outrage was caused in the UK today by the revelation that the National Health Service (NHS) provided 24 hymen-replacement operations between 2005 and 2006. These operations seem to be solely desired by young Muslim women who are under pressure to appear to be virgins and to bleed on their wedding night, even though they've been living in the West and lost their virginity years before. The outrage is caused not just by the fact that the whole process is a misogynistic fraud, perpetrated in the cause of a religious culture that is barbaric and absurd, but also because the NHS is funded by the taxpayer. It is constantly claiming that it doesn't have enough money to provide valuable operations like joint replacement or eyesight-saving surgery, and it seems to be incapable of preventing the spread of deadly bacteria in its hospitals. Nevertheless it has enough resources to patch up a few ex-virgins so their insecure husbands can delight in piercing a pseudo-hymen on their wedding night.

The fact that the outrage in question is "minor" can be attributed to a British public overwhelmed by the constant stream of stupidity emanating from its government institutions, much of it generated by slavish adherence to the dictats of the European Union, and inured to more such instances of ridiculousness.

If it really matters that much to the newlyweds that the charade of virginity be maintained they obviously won't want to stop at an artificial hymen. No, the bride will need some coaching to unlearn any sexual technique that might give away her non-virgin status. It's no good showing up with an aftermarket hymen and then expertly fellating your husband while manually stimulating his balls, vacuuming the last drop of spunk from his love truncheon, licking your lips and then asking him to "be gentle with me as it's my first time".

No, I recommend you visit the clinic of Dr. Neva Haditov for a full course of virginity training. Services include:

• Learning to react with shock to the sight of a penis, and then exclaim in a realistic voice "It's so big."
  
• Wanking lessons - making sure that any attempt at masturbating the man feels like you're trying to yank it out by the root.
  
• Blow jobs - recoil in horror at the suggestion, and after much persuasion make him regret asking by raking your teeth up and down the shaft.
  
• Cadaver training - lie on the bed like an extra from CSI while he pounds away at your clunge, and stare at him with a deer-in-the-headlights expression.
  
• Pubic wig - a minge mane guaranteed to have him gagging on stray pubes should he attempt to go down on you.
  

However, in spite of the tendency to focus on the virginity of the bride, Dr.Haditov's clinic is an equal opportunities institution and offers similar courses for the groom looking to recapture his virginity for that authentic "first night" feeling. The male client will experience, among other benefits:

• Speed training - work on that tricky start-to-finish time until you can reliably get it under thirty seconds. Some over-achieving students even manage to finish on contact!
  
• Clitoris avoidance - make sure you never, even by accident, make contact with the hot button while you're wandering aimlessly around with your fingers and tongue.
  
• Docking technique - after this course you will be unable to approach the right hole at anything resembling an angle resulting in penetration. You too will be able to thrust around in the dark, muttering "I know it's around here somewhere..."
  
• Breast-slobbering designed to maximise the saliva deposited on the nipples while avoiding any sensation of pleasure.
  

Personally I can't see the attraction of reliving virginity - wouldn't you rather have technique? There's an old saying: "Making love to an experienced woman is like going to the toilet and finding the seat warm; it's nice but you can't help wondering who was there before you". I, however, subscribe to the other view: "Boys marry virgins; men marry women."

Anyway, for an extreme virginity story I prefer this one: A rugby player was getting married, but the week before the wedding he received a severe kick to the groin during a game and had to be taken to hospital. The doctor informed him that he had serious constusions to the testicles and shaft, and that he would need to wear a splint bandaged to his penis to support it while it healed. The man was distraught! What would he do on his wedding night? Well, on the night in question everything went according to plan and he ended up in the honeymoon suite with his new bride. She undressed slowly for him and as she peeled off her underwear, revealing her trimmed pubis, she said "Look at this - untouched by any man before you." The rugby player thought for a second, then pulled down his pants and replied "That's nothing. Look at this - still in the original packaging!"


Copyright 2007 Edward Bison