What A Gift

The business of Thanksgiving is now over; the turkey has been eaten, the belt loosened and football watched. All that remains is to avoid any contact whatsoever with shops over the next 24 hours and everything will be good. Unfortunately tomorrow fires the starting gun on the great present-buying frenzy that is "The Holidays". Christmas would be a great time if it weren't for the fucking gift buying. I can burn a few days of vacation and get a whole week off work, and since a lot of other people do the same I won't have to keep up with e-mail during this time, or face a thousand unread messages when I return. I can stuff myself with turkey (again), cheeses, pickles, ham, chocolates and a thousand other seasonal delights. I can watch National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation again. And again. I can decorate the house and look at the glittering lights on a tinsel-covered tree through the amber glow of a glass of good scotch. All this is part of the joy of Christmas, just as soon as I'm done wandering aimlessly around crappy stores trying to choose presents that aren't completely shit.

I hate buying gifts. I don't think it's just because I'm a miserable bastard, although I'm open to this possibility. It's just that there's so little stuff that people really need, and I can't bear those pointless gifts that you buy even though you know the recipient will never use them. Gag gifts and other crap. Plus, having family in the UK means that anything that I buy here has to be shipped, which costs a shedload of money and rules out anything heavy, breakable or stealable. It also means that I should have posted everything about a week ago. I could buy online but I'm buying in US dollars and now that the exchange rate is such that one UK pound buys a small American town it really doesn't work in my favor.

Maybe my mistake is thinking about gifts for other people in the same way that I think about gifts for me (in as much as I ever think about gifts for me). It's not that I try and buy stuff that I would like; rather that I apply the same criteria of usefulness on behalf of any recipient that I would use myself: Is It Something They Will Use?

In short, unless I can eat it, wear it, drive it, read it, listen to it or shag it I probably don't have a lot of use for it. Unfortunately you can't just buy people stuff to eat if they could do with losing a few pounds. You can't buy someone a car very often (in spite of what the commercials would have you believe). You can't buy clothes very easily even if you know someone's size because the stores all lie about the sizes to flatter fat people, and it's hard to return something to another continent. And you can't buy something for people to shag. (Alright, you can, but this is family I'm talking about here.) That leaves music and books, but I don't know what other people like to read or listen to, never mind whether they already have whatever I might have considered buying them.

I think a talent for gift buying is one of those things you either have or you don't. I don't. I enjoy giving gifts, but not having to buy the bloody things. And all the time I'm reminded that the whole process is part of one great big festival of consumerism where the need to run around buying stuff completely squeezes out the enjoyment of the run-up to Christmas, which is really the best bit. After all, before you even finish Christmas dinner there will be commercials on TV attempting to lure you to the sales. There's no let-up in the ceaseless drive to sell you crap you don't need so that the economy can keep rolling.

Mrs.Bison has asked me what I want for Christmas this year, and do you know what? I haven't got a bastard clue. I think I might ask for scotch - it's the perfect gift. It's never the wrong size or color, and no-one ever says "Thanks but I already have one". On the other hand, my brother bought me the skin of a hoofed mammal that he picked up in South Africa last year. This definitely doesn't fit my "eat, wear, drive..." criteria and yet it's a permanent and welcome addition to my favorite armchair. Maybe I'll just head down to Dead Things 'R' Us and see what I can pick up...


Copyright 2007 Edward Bison