Dick Of The Week

Here's a heartwarming story about one of those certified dickheads that you get to encounter from time to time. I was visiting a customer and while I was there I noticed a 50" plasma TV in its box. Turns out that this was the big prize in their United Way charity raffle, and by not-particularly-amazing coincidence the bloke who'd won it showed up to collect it while I was there. Well, it seems that buying raffle tickets was already stretching the limit of this guy's cranial capability. Imagine a 50" TV in a box. Yes it's flat screen, but it's still a big bastard, what with all the cardboard and styrofoam. This twat spent 30 minues trying to figure out how he was going to get it home with his Ford Escort. They offered to deliver it to his house tomorrow, but no, he really had to have it tonight, for no good reason. I think he was worried that they might change their minds.

Eventually he decided that he would put it on the roof and put a couple of bungee cords round it to hold it in place. Just a couple of problems:

• He couldn't lift it.
  
• If he had pushed it onto the roof it would just have slipped off the other side and smashed on the ground in the car park.
  
• There was nowhere to secure the bungee cords.
  
• There were no bungee cords.
  
• He had a twenty minute journey home on the highway.
  
• It was snowing.
  

Apart from that he was in good shape. Had it been up to me I would have watched him try and get it on the roof. In fact I believe I could have sold tickets. People would have paid to watch an arse in a Ford Escort driving down a snowpacked highway with a 50" plasma TV in a box flying off the back in the wind. It would have been the funniest thing on YouTube today. My colleague suggested we should just offer him $300 to take it off his hands - he would probably have accepted. Unfortunately he made this suggestion later, after the dick in question had departed, and when the wisdom of his suggestion was, although undoubted, also completely useless.

Instead a helpful executive from the company offered to drive the TV to this bloke's house, even though it was out of his way and the journey there and back would make him late for an appointment. So they set out, but before they even get out of the car park the dick stops and says he needs to get gas. OK, there's a gas station just down the road. "No, I like to go to Wal-Mart. I always go to Wal-Mart for gas." So now they have to negotiate a busy highway intersection at rush hour so this dick can go to his favorite gas retailer. This adds fifteen minutes to the journey. By this stage, even had I been inclined to offer similar assistance (highly unlikely), I would have opened the back of my car and suggested to the dick in question that he could take the TV home himself, and that should he have any difficulty determining where to put it to facilitate the journey, might I suggest up his own rectum, box and all?

Eventually they got the TV to this bloke's apartment, where it was apparently going to occupy an entire wall. It was impossible for him to sit more than three feet from the screen in his living room. We had visions of the twat frying slowly in front of the giant screen, rotisserie style.

The rest of the evening passed off dick-free. However I'm never going to look at a Ford Escort again without visualizing a 50" TV in a box wobbling on its roof. And they let dicks like him vote...


Copyright 2007 Edward Bison