Doggy Love

You can file the following heart-warming story, courtesy of the Associated Press, under "What The Fuck Was He Thinking?"

A 25-year-old woman was arrested for second-degree assault after getting into an argument with her boyfriend over whether his dog should be in the bathroom while the couple were taking a shower together. A police report said the man, 26, wanted his dog to join them in the bathroom, but the woman objected. The woman told her boyfriend that if the dog didn't stay out, she didn't want to be his girlfriend anymore. He replied that maybe his next girlfriend would appreciate the dog more, and called her a name. The police report said the woman punched him in the face several times and the man dislocated his shoulder after the naked couple grappled. He told police his girlfriend threw a picture frame, which broke and cut him. The woman was taken to jail and bail has been set at $50,000.

We all know people who take their pets too seriously, who pamper them, treat them like children and buy them birthday presents. They are certifiable saddo's but can generally be regarded as harmless. However I have to state here and now that this 26 year-old man will be required, as soon as he is identified, to hand in his male membership card and go into man-exile as a confirmed loser of the first degree. Offence number one is that he allowed a naked girl to kick his arse in the shower; that's a pussy move right there. But far more egregious an infraction is that he determined that his bizarre love for his dog was of greater importance than getting his end away.

At this stage I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and assuming that inviting his dog into the shower was purely a platonic move. Having said that, what on earth was the motivation? Picture yourself naked in the shower with a female who presumably was attractive enough to make you want to get naked in a shower with her. You're all lathered up and ready to get jiggy with it, but something's missing. It's Fido! Let's invite Fido in with us. What the fuck did he think Fido was going to bring to the party? In my limited experience of dogs Fido was likely to do one of two things. He would either get jealous and jump up to join in the humping, something unlikely to endear him to the woman in question, or he would drink the water from the toilet bowl. Unless the 26 year-old loser was planning to shampoo the dog while getting off, and save water (very public spirited) I cannot see what possessed him.

Could it be that he was worried that Fido was lonely? Poor Fido - he's outside the bathroom having to listen to us getting all soapy. Well here's a newsflash Fido: while you are perfectly capable of licking your dick any time you feel like it, I require female assistance in order to make that happen, so to speak. So now that I've got a live one in the shower you can pretty much fucking wait out there. In fact I don't want to hear anything out of you unless the house catches fire, and possibly not even then, in the event that I'm on the "home stretch". You think this happens every day? I'm a red-blooded male; I spend 365 days a year "in-heat" and I don't need you in the picture, jumping up with the lipstick out when I'm finally closing the deal.

This pathetic mis-ordering of priorities is symptomatic of a kind of wanker that is becoming more and more common: obsessive dog lovers. They are lauded on TV for spending $50,000 on joint replacement surgery for their fifteen year-old labrador. Just what is the blue book on a fifteen year-old labrador? Surely this is like dropping a new engine in a beaten up Chevy Nova just because you got laid in it years ago and can't bear to see it crushed. There was another story today, about three fucking dogs in Maryland who had been left an $800,000 inheritance. The deceased prick in question was obviously entitled to leave the money to whatever cause he liked, but I about coughed up my nuts when I read this quote from the executor of his estate:

"He really loved animals. The man's heart was so big, it needed its own ZIP code."

Is that so? His heart was so big that he couldn't think of any cause anywhere (multiple sclerosis research, children's hospital, cleft palate surgery in developing countries, or thousands more) that was more important than ensuring that three dogs had a gold-plated existence. There's the kind of bloke that invites the dog into the shower when his naked girlfriend is there. Is it any wonder that he had no-one else to whom he could leave the money? I bet he got his arse kicked years ago and never got over it. Wanker.


Copyright © 2007 Edward Bison