Merry Fucking Christmas
Just like it's not a good idea to go shopping for food when you're hungry, it's probably not a good idea for me to write on the subject of Christmas shopping when I've just returned from the mall, on a Saturday afternoon. Fuck me! What a complete and utter bastard waste of time and money. And how did so many fat, over-made-up, terminally stupid people come to be gathered in one place?
Yes, I'm fed up with Christmas. I actually used to like Christmas - the building excitement, Christmas carols, repeats of much-loved Christmas TV, special food, the Christmas tree, time off work, occasional snow and all that stuff. But all of that is now lost in the colossal spend-fest and retail orgy that Christmas has become. It's not as though this is a new observation but it really hit me as I saw hundreds of fuck-dumb people swarming to buy shit they didn't need with money they probably didn't have, and a kind of hysteria overcoming everyone as they rushed to buy whatever "hot" gift the retailers are pushing on us this year. It's now only about the spending.
George Bernard Shaw had a few words to say on the subject of Christmas:
"Like all intelligent people, I greatly dislike Christmas. It revolts me to see a whole nation refrain from music for weeks together in order that every man may rifle his neighbour's pockets under cover of a ghastly general pretence of festivity. It is really an atrocious institution, this Christmas. We must be gluttonous because it is Christmas. We must be drunken because it is Christmas. We must be insincerely generous; we must buy things that nobody wants, and give them to people we don't like; we must go to absurd entertainments that make even our little children satirical; we must writhe under venal officiousness from legions of freebooters, all because it is Christmas - that is, because the mass of the population, including the all-powerful middle-class tradesman, depends on a week of licence and brigandage, waste and intemperance, to clear off its outstanding liabilities at the end of the year."
Bear in mind that he wrote this in 1893, when the Macys sale hadn't even been contemplated, but he pretty much nailed it didn't he? Basically Christmas is now just about buying stuff. Buy gifts for people. Buy decorations. Buy wrapping paper. Buy food. Then go to the sales and buy more stuff because it's such a good deal.
Now, I can hear the chorus from the religious brigade, saying that yes, we've lost the true meaning of Christmas. Bollocks! I don't see any of you metaphorically kneeling at the manger in wonder, comtemplating the simple majesty of the Christ-child. No you're too busy jostling at the mall like every other fucker, so don't give me all that "spiritually superior" bullshit.
And all you smug non-believers can fuck off too. Yes I'm well aware that the early church co-opted the traditional winter solstice festival for Christmas but I don't see any of you celebrating the seasonal change in close harmony with nature. If "The Holidays" are nothing more than a wonderful excuse for a winter party, I can think of better ways to mark the year-end than spending your wad at Bed Bath And Beyond.
Christmas has become one huge excuse for the retail establishment, on which we are constantly reminded that the entire US economy depends, to take money out of our pockets. Don't think for a moment that it's anything else. You want to put a smile on your little child's face by buying that toy they've been wanting? Who do you think spent millions advertising that toy so that children everywhere would pester their parents to get it? You are a pawn in the retail game whether you like it or not.
Yes I'm a miserable bastard today, but in my defence you should have seen the idiots in the mall...
Copyright 2007 Edward Bison
posted by Mr Bison at
4:10 PM
4 Comments:
"And how did so many fat, over-made-up, terminally stupid people come to be gathered in one place?"
Luckily they are all at the mall and not on Amazon where I am quickly and quietly doing all my holiday shopping so I can avoid that madhouse.
You crack me up, sir.
That might explain it - all the smart people are at home buying in comfort on Amazon, and only the stupid venture out to the mall. Eventually the only people who will still be found at the mall will be those without opposable thumbs, incapable of efficiently operating a mouse.
Now I just need to figure out my excuse for being there...
Another refreshing litany, Mr. Bison.
Today was the first time I ventured out into the stores for shopping other than the grocery-oriented, and it was damn unsettling to feel the complacency of retail hypnosis sifting down over me and forming a candied glaze that numbed all sense of perspective.
I managed to shake my head hard and break the spell only one hour in, and escaped just $20 poorer with some LED lights and a box of 2 dozen xmas cards (NOT that I even know 2 dozen people to mail them to...).
Fuck this bullshit, I'm not going back in!! It's the only answer!
Ironically, it's the first year in my newfound adulthood where I actually can afford to be a little indulgent. But it galls me. What the people need, who I love, cannot possibly be purchased. My one brother is brilliant but is chronically underpaid. Somehow, my inflamed indignation compels me to buy him a really fancy sweater and a boxed set as a way to offset this injustice. My other brother is a coke head - and buying him a $400 easel will not cure this, though god forbid - until 10 seconds ago I subconsciously thought it might.
What's the solution? It's perfection we crave, and comfort, but the means we have at our disposal to achieve a semblance of it are so shoddy and false...
Would remaining slightly drunk from now to January 3rd be an option? I might try and find out.
I am with you.....I am over it. Santa Sucks the life out of me. Ba-humbug.
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