Party Time

The holiday party season is in full swing, providing a wonderful opportunity to see the people with whom you work in a "casual out-of-office" setting. There really isn't that much upside to office holiday parties unless you happen to be a single man in a large company, with no career aspirations, in which case they still represent a great chance for opportunistic sexual bad behavior, resulting in reputation damage, recriminations and photocopies of your genitals being passed around the office on Monday. I have to confess that I have never photocopied my genitals, and the knowledge that were I to witness this feat attempted by another, I would slam down the lid on their dick purely for the comic delight of it, will keep me from ever trying it myself. Probably.

So with penis-copying and other such seasonal games off the agenda the office holiday party starts to become an exercise in "defense" rather than "offense". In other words, it's not about scoring career points or getting laid, but about not committing that career-ending public mistake or incurring arse-clenching humiliation. Here are some recommendations, in case you want to make a career with your current employer:

• Don't walk about with mistletoe tied to your belt, silently inviting women to "kiss you under it", or pin it above your arse in a humorous insult to management. Everyone loves the office clown; they just don't promote him.
  
• Don't take full advantage of the free bar - three snakebites with vodka chasers, followed by wine with dinner (red and white), scotch, brandy and some tequila shots tend to result in spontaneous and highly memorable ejection of the meal onto the dance floor.
  
• When kissing hello (or goodbye) to the wives of fellow employees, tongues are generally not recommended. Neither is dropping a hand down for that friendly clasp of the buttock, in order to check "thong or not" and win your bet with Gerry from accounting.
  
• Don't slow dance with old Hilda from reception, no matter how much she cajoles you. When she starts grinding herself on your crotch people will assume that it's mutual and that women of her age are just "your thing".
  
• Avoid all members of senior management, all night. They are generally surrounded by arse-kissers at all times, and they are perfectly well aware of that fact. If you attach yourself to the group in the hope of impressing them with your insights into corporate strategy you will come off like a cunt.
  
• Always wear good underwear. In the event that you do bag off with some twenty-three year-old beauty from credit you don't want word getting round the department that you wear old man's Y-fronts.
  
• No matter what the provocation, resist the temptation to punch out anyone that has been asking for it all year. Unless you really need to, in which case do it where no-one can see, like the toilets, or behind a large plant, and then blame their staggering blood-stained incoherence on "too much seasonal cheer, I guess".
  

Remember that at any party there is a loser - that person who makes such a complete arsehole of themselves that they might as well resign now. The person that you'll all be talking about next year when the party organizers are trying to decide whether to just make a donation to charity instead, and avoid the lawsuits. The first rule of office parties is this:

Look around and locate this individual at the earliest opportunity. If by midnight you still have not found them, chances are it's you. Unless your parties are so dull that everyone behaves. And where's the fun in that?


Copyright 2007 Edward Bison