Welcome To St.Louis

So which part of St.Louis is the best? The City, the County or beyond? Firstly I have to apologise to non-St.Louis readers, for whom the most appropriate response might be "Who gives a flying fuck?" or, indeed, "Where is St.Louis?" But the mere fact of this question captures one of the most widespread traits within the St.Louis metropolitan area: the fervent belief that the whole world revolves on an axis that sticks out of the top of the St.Louis arch. When I first moved here I was not surprised that the news didn't cover anything from outside the US; I was, however, amazed to find that nothing outside the St.Louis region ever seemed to happen that was deemed more important, pressing or interesting than some fuck-dull local story about malnourished dogs being rescued from a tralier outside Wentzville.

So the first question might be "Is there life beyond St.Louis?" Occasionally we hear about counties to the North and West of us, but usually in the context of a tornado warning, or a head-on collision on some rural road that claimed the lives of two drunk high school kids and some poor bastard in the wrong place at the wrong time. We also get the weather reports. Lots and lots of weather reports. And sometimes they show a big map which has states outside Missouri on it, so that they can gleefully describe the latest blast of cold air about to "descend on the bi-state area" bringing freezing rain and ice.

So what does downtown St.Louis have to offer? Well, there's the arch, which means that you have to take every fucking visitor down to see it, so they can ride up it and look down at, well, not much really. You can see the new ballpark though, which is another major downtown attraction, especially compelling if you want to pay nine dollars for a beer and watch a bunch of over-paid, roided out whiners play rounders, and then queue for an hour to get out of the car park. You can attend one of the casinos and get an atmosphere that is in every single way completely unlike that in Las Vegas, except for the fact that you lose all your money. And there are clubs where you can dance with other St.Louisans, who will ask you where you went to high school and, quite possibly, give you gonorrhea, which is now one of St.Louis's principal exports.

You could choose to live in one of the many trendy converted warehouses in downtown St.Louis, and in two years time, apparently, there will be a highway that you could use to drive there. Until then you are comprehensively screwed unless you happen to also work downtown and enjoy the complete absence of malls, grocery stores or other such amenities. Still, entertainment is no problem - you can turn on your TV and follow the continuing adventures of the most fucked-up school district this side of Chechnya, or the soap-opera that is St.Louis city government. Enjoy the feeling of watching the extra City tax you pay being used to subsidize the antics of alderwomen pissing in buckets during televised debates, or fire chiefs refusing to promote the firefighters who actually passed the Captain's Exam because too many of them were white.

Yes, there is what is billed as the second largest Mardi Gras parade, in Soulard, but you don't have to live in the City to enjoy that. In fact living close by probably loses its luster after the fortieth person has urinated their recycled Budweiser onto your garden. You will get a good view of any exposed breasts, unless the new ordinance is enforced. Yes it's freezing cold, so don't expect many, but the nipples will be like bullets on any brave enough to emerge.

Maybe if the local TV stations run enough stories about the revitalization of downtown it will come true. There are some wonderful parts of St.Louis that fall within the City but that seems to be entirely by historical accident. Sure, much of West County is pure anodyne suburban mediocrity, nothing fun happens and the whole place revolves around the process of going to the stores and buying more stuff. But what the hell - it's home. Plus, as every single fucking resident of suburban St.Louis will continually assure you, "It's a great place to raise a family!" It's also a great place from which to watch the latest news about the Highway 40 reconstruction project. Trip to the arch, anyone?


Copyright 2007 Edward Bison