New Year's Bisolutions

Many of you will return to work tomorrow and among the myriad vacuous questions from co-workers with which you will be faced (such as "How was your holiday?" and "Did you stay at home or visit family?") there is a reasonable chance that someone will ask if you made any New Year's Resolutions. Of course it is quite acceptable to reply with something along the lines of "Fuck no - I'm already perfect in every way". However, in the event that you would like to have a resolution but simply can't think of one that's interesting enough, we at Bison Enterprises are here to help. Below you will find an assortment of New Year's Resolutions from which you can pick one to share with your friends and family in the event that anyone finds it necessary to ask:

• I will have sex with a fat girl because everyone says it's really good.
  
• I will fax a copy of my arse to the customer service department at my phone company.
  
• I will get a genital piercing and then attempt to pass through airport security during the morning rush.
  
• I will personally kill, peel, cook and eat at least one small mammal.
  
• I will plastic-wrap the toilet bowl at work, just for the hell of it.
  
• I will designate Friday "Commando Day" and instruct my co-workers that no underwear is to be worn.
  
• I will purchase a year's subscription to "Backdoor Boys" for a selected co-worker, to be delivered to the office.
  
• I will answer the phone at least once a month by saying "Hello, Captain Cuntbubble. Can I help you?"
  
• I will have something tattooed on my arse.
  
• I will take Cialis and attempt to have sex in a bathtub, in the middle of a field.
  
• I will change a colleague's screensaver to a picture of a woman sucking off a dog.
  
• I will attempt to get a humorous personalized number plate past the taste nazis at the DMV.
  
• I will try stand-up comedy at a local club and invite people I know who will torment me forever if I die on my arse.
  
• I will take a vacation at a nudist colony and attempt to apply sunscreen to "ground zero" in mixed company.
  
• I will come to work with a bratwurst in my pants and see if anyone says anything.
  
• I will use Roundup to spray a giant prick and balls on my neighbor's perfectly manicured lawn.
  
• I will have sex with two fat girls. If one is good then two would be better, right?
  
• I will hit on at least one of the following: kid's teacher / nun / dental hygienist / TSA screener / babysitter.
  
• I will place a personal ad as a Philipino trans-sexual and then publish the responses.
  
• I will apply for a part in a porno movie under a humorous name, such as Phil Yavajup.
  

I'm sure that at least one of these would be appropriate for you in 2008 but in the unlikely event that nothing appeals please feel free to fall back on the old standards such as lose weight / stop smoking / get a new job / cut down on masturbation.

Have a happy new year!


Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison