Talk To The Animals

By the time you read this it will probably be Monday morning. You may well be at work, pondering the futility of your existence. Or, in the case of anyone living in Dallas, the futility of your football team's existence. Nevertheless I am here to tell you that it could be worse. Today's offering in the category of "Jobs No-one Needs" is Pet Medium.

I don't know what classes you take to prepare for a career as a pet medium. My guess is that drugs would be more helpful. Lots and lots of drugs. In fact the only thing sadder than being a pet medium is probably being the person paying $75 an hour to a pet medium to help them form a better relationship with their dead cat. It's worth pointing out here that pet mediums (and amazingly there is more than one in the world) don't just talk with your dead pets; they also communicate with your live ones, relaying messages to you about what they're really thinking. This is what makes a career as a pet medium so much more fulfilling than that of a "dead people" medium. Not only do you not have to draw your contacts solely from the ranks of the deceased (who aren't there anymore to tell their relatives that you're talking bollocks) but you can expand your sales pitch to the realms of the living (albeit only pets, who also are in no position to tell their owner that you're still talking bollocks).

The work of a pet medium is not limited to communicating with your pet, however; they also offer healing. The specific methods for healing your pet get a bit vague and appear to fall into the category of "things which you can offer without any training or certification whatsoever but which have fancy enough names that you can charge a bundle for them". One example is aromatherapy. We all know the principle of this - you expose someone to nice smells and they get better. OK, I'll suspend disbelief for a second, but here's the thing: I know what dogs like to smell, and I wouldn't pay anyone to serve these things up on purpose. They don't seek out peppermint oil or sandalwood; no, they prefer essence of other dogs anus, fragrance of their own testicles, fire hydrant urine, roadkill and fresh excrement. Lovely!

You'd think that life would be tough as a pet medium - after all you're essentially peddling bullshit to people who should know better. It's worth remembering though that there is a sizeable subset of pet owners who are so freakishly fucking obsessed with their dogs and cats that they are willing to pay almost any money to some dumb bitch who will tell them that "yes, little Kitty loves you very much but just wishes you'd rub her tummy more in the evenings".

Here's a little test, just in case you're considering hiring a pet medium and you would like to know whether they are genuine: just ask "Why does my dog keep licking his balls?" If you get any other answer than "Because he can, of course" then you can safely assume the medium is a lying sack of poodle droppings.

By the way, if you happen to be attempting to make contact with a black cat called Arthur, don't believe any pet medium who tells you that he's at peace on a higher astral plane where he's perpetually chasing wool. He is in fact (at least partly) contained within the knobbly tread of the offside rear wheel of my neighbor's truck, from which he is apparently proving to be tricky to dislodge with a pointy stick. See - life could be worse.


Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison