A Wonderful Idea

A terrible thing happened yesterday; we finished the box of Cadbury's chocolate biscuits that we bought for Christmas. It wasn't a big box (actually a tin) but you always hope that when you lift out the black plastic insert that there will be another layer of biscuits underneath, even if it's desperately obvious just from examining the depth of the tin that it couldn't be the case. I mentioned to Mrs.Bison how wonderful it would be to own a "bottomless biscuit box", in which every time you pulled out the plastic insert there would be revealed a new, fresh layer of wonderful chocolate covered biscuits underneath. For ever and ever. I have to say that she was unconvinced that this would be an entirely good thing, unless we were planning a future as gigantic fat bastards, but it got me thinking: if you could have a bottomless packet of any grocery product, what would it be?

Leaving aside the high probability of obesity and early death resulting from a bottomless cookie tin there is also the problem of boredom. I like Cadbury's biscuits as much as anyone but I'm not sure I would want them quite so much if they were available every day. That's the whole point of "luxury" foods - if you have them all the time then they aren't special anymore. I'd want to mix things up a bit, with mint Oreos, Fox's biscuit assortment, Clubs, KitKats and Penguins. Same problem with bottomless chocolate boxes - too boring.

What about a bottomless sixpack? Endless beer, any time you want - keep it in the fridge and it's always chilled. Not bad for the kind of sad wanker who only drinks one type of beer (step forward anyone who thinks Budweiser really is the King of Beers, you sad, pathetic fuck). The world is full of excellent beer; there are many hundreds of beers brewed in tiny Belgium alone, almost all of which could be recycled after drinking to produce something not entirely unlike Budweiser, but none of which I'd want to drink for the rest of my life.

This could be a problem with just about any food. You think you like it now, but just wait until you've been at it for five years. I suppose you could go with something basic, like bread; you'll always need bread. But even that gets dull if you're always eating the same crap. So maybe the answer isn't a food item at all. What about some other supermarket product? There's a good size list of things which, when I run out of them, are a pain in the arse:

• Toothpaste, especially after I've been squeezing the last bit out for two weeks.
  
• Shower gel.
  
• Deodorant, since I find smelling like a wildebeest's crotch to be more than a little disturbing.
  
• Razor blades.
  
• Binliners or rubbish sacks.
  

But when it comes right down to it there's probably one product whose absence from my house would cause more aggravation than all the others put together. Yes, it's bog roll. For anyone who's got down to the cardboard tube and attempted to peel it into thin layers in order to finish the job, for all those people who've fingered the local free newspaper just to see if it might be acceptable and for those who've staggered out of the smallest room in a sumo stance with their pants halfway down, trying not to spread the chocolate while they search for any serviceable alternative, a bottomless packet of toilet roll is for you. No one cares if you only ever have white - it never goes out of style. No-one ever gets bored with one variety because no-one cares about it; you just stick it up your arse so what is there to be worried about?

Still, it's a fucking stupid thing to be thinking about because it's not going to happen. Tomorrow I'm going to the store to buy more biscuits. And while I'm there I'll pick up some more bog roll - you can never have too much you know.


Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison