Airline Announcement

"Welcome aboard American Airlines flight 89 from Brussels to Chicago. In a moment we will be closing the cabin door so we would like you to stuff all your belongings in the inadequate overhead bins as quickly as possible so that we can depart on time. You will notice that the bins are all a funny shape and completely incapable of accommodating a typical carry-on bag; this is just one of the many interesting features of this Boeing 767. I would also like to draw your attention to the fact that the plane itself was built some time in the middle ages and is apparently held together with tape. This will be comforting to you as we take off and climb to our cruising altitude of 32,000 feet.

Please take your seats and fasten your seat belts. You may experience some difficulty cramming your arse into the coach class seats as we designed them to be comfortable only for someone born with one buttock. We will now show you videos in three languages that provide detailed instructions for fastening your seat-belt, even though a fucking monkey could figure it out; this is the first of many ways in which we will treat you like a complete retard during the course of the flight. We will also repeatedly run videos on federal regulations prohibiting smoking in the lavatories and requiring that you obey all crew member instructions, this in spite of the fact that half our crew members have an IQ somewhat less than that of an aspidistra.

Once we are airborne we will serve a mystery lunch. It will be chicken or beef, but all the chicken meals will run out quickly because you doubt that you will be able to cut the leathery excuse for beef with the pathetic plastic knife with which we provide you. The tiny plastic tray will also include a pink dessert of uncertain composition or origin, a piece of bread and a frozen piece of butter which will break the end off your plastic knife should you attempt to spread it. This will require you to chase your food round the tray with your fork, until it flies off and lands on the floor. Once you are finished amusing yourself with the food you may relax and enjoy the inflight entertainment. Today's offering includes an episode of "Cheers" that's so old you will hardly believe we dare show it, but at least it's not "I Love Lucy", which was what we showed last time, and that was in black and white, for fuck's sake. The tiny earphones that we provide always have one side that doesn't work and they cut out if you so much as twitch in your seat so good luck watching anything.

Our captain has made a special request that you not congregate in the aisles and galleys, for your safety. This is, of course, complete bollocks and the only reason we care is that our flight attendants don't want you in their way. Fortunately we can inflict just about any indignity on you now and attribute it to "new security requirements in the wake of 9-11". (This is why you stand around with no shoes on and all your tiny bottles of liquids in a plastic baggy, waiting for some fat welfare case in a TSA shirt to run a wand over you.) Of course you will be unable to comply with our request as there are insufficient toilets on the plane and we had them installed right next to the galley so you have no choice but to congregate there while you wait to take a piss. Please resist the temptation to slap the flight attendants when they roll their eyes at you, run over your foot with the cart and instruct you to return to your seat. Remember you are self-loading freight and are here to please us, not the other way around.

For the nine and a half hour duration of the journey today we have arranged for you to be seated next to a fat wanker with halitosis who will attempt to tell you their life story while invading your personal space. Should you be seated in an aisle seat we will of course attempt to fracture your knee and elbow with our heavy drinks cart. Our flight attendants are also equipped with extra wide arses so that they will bump you every time they walk up and down the aisle, ensuring that even should you be capable of sleeping in your tiny seat you will be awoken every ten minutes. Please feel free to lean back and relax in your seat; you will notice that it will recline a full two degrees from the vertical. However, there will be a moron in the seat behind you who will pull on your seat back every time he gets up and sits down again, so please restrain yourself from ambushing him outside the lavatory and beating the piss out of him as federal regulations forbid it.

Forty minutes prior to landing we will make you turn off your electronic devices and sit bored out of your mind for no good reason. Flight attendants will be coming through the cabin to bump you with their arse one more time. We will then welcome you to Chicago where the local time will be 2pm. You will feel like utter shit; squashed in an unnatural position in a tiny space that would be illegal if you were a cow. Thank you for flying American Airlines, a member of the One World Alliance. We hope that the next time your plans call for air travel you will think of us because, let's face it, we're no worse than the other fuckers out there are we? And if you live in St.Louis we pretty much have you by the balls. Thank you and have a nice day."


Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison