Feel The Buzz

It's really not Valentine's Day without a giant rubber dildo or two, and residents of Texas will be celebrating today the news that the Appeals Court has overturned the law banning the sale of such "obscene" items. The court cited the 2003 Supreme Court case, Lawrence and Garner vs. Texas, which found bans on consensual sex between same sex couples to be unconstitutional. The argument in that case was that the State had no business legislating what people did in the privacy of their own homes, up to and including fucking each other in the arse, apparently. It therefore makes perfect sense that if it's OK to lube up another guy and give him one in his tradesman's entrance then it must be OK for one lesbian to strap on a giant pink vibrating monster and give the other one a good seeing to.

It's hard to imagine in the twenty first century that there are legislators out there who seriously believe the regulation of dildos, vibrators, sailor's friends, butt plugs and strap-ons to be a priority, but they exist. And where do they exist? In the Southern United States, of course, home to the kind of retarded uber-religious nutjobs who build Jesus theme parks and try to get creationism into schools. Exactly the kind of people who would benefit immensely from having a twelve inch black mamba with thrusting motion and realistic ejaculation feature shoved up their rectums.

What's always funny, though, is when you find out that the leading voice among the "moral majority" opposing homosexual behavior has been engaged in a spot of buttock splicing with assorted rent boys for years. It's usually those who speak out most stridently about some moral issue who are most likely to be busily committing that particular transgression in their spare time. I'm therefore fairly confident that among the Texas legislature there are more than a couple of dedicated sexual device users. I think the people deserve to know the truth - do they favor realistic textures and colors, something that looks like a genuine penis? Or are they into bizarre but effective alternatives, with odd protuberances for additional clitoral stimulation and assorted lumps and bumps on the shaft? Have they sampled double-ended delights? And are there any users of the hand-held artificial vagina making laws in Texas today?

Never mind the serious purchase of sex toys for enhanced sexual pleasure, though. What about the gratuitous buying of rubber vibrating implements of joy for the brightening up of stag nights, hen nights, bachelor parties, rugby club dinners and other gatherings of people with high alcohol to inhibition ratios? Where are you supposed to find that shit if your local porn emporium can't sell it?

Of course I don't believe for a moment that the good people of Texas have been deprived of dildos all these years. I'm sure they've been bringing them back from trips to more enlightened states, probably in the trunk of the car. (I wouldn't risk taking a vibrator through an airport - you just know they're going to upwrap it and ask you to start it up in order to prove that it's not a bomb. Plus anything with more than 3oz of gel in would have to be in a checked bag.) And those who don't travel have probably been whittling them out of wood and selling them under the counter at the state fair. (Mind the splinters.)

Anyway, next time you're down in Texas, be sure to stop in at your nearest retailer of erotic, exotic and obscene merchandise, and exercise your right to purchase an Impulse Twin Action Stimulator or a Pulsa Dildo. (Looks good in pink, by the way.) And when you get home, feel free to shove it up your arse. It's your constitutional right!


Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison