Press Any Button

It'll soon be time to get on a big plane and fuck off to Asia again. Next week I'm supposed to head out on a trip to Japan, Singapore and China for a couple of weeks, with an itinerary which is guaranteed to involve jetlag, interesting food, karaoke, massage and lots of meetings. I enjoy going to all these places - in Tokyo and Shanghai I usually stay in the same hotels so it's easy to settle back into the routine there. Both hotels have Japanese toilets in their rooms, in Tokyo because it's Japan and in Shanghai because the hotel is part of a Japanese chain and presumably their Japanese clientele expect to find the same rectal comforts they would expect at home.

For those who haven't experienced them, Japanese toilets are a real treat. The toilet itself looks pretty much like a normal one except for a control panel on one side with assorted buttons and knobs. They are all labeled carefully with their function but the labels are, of course, in Japanese, so pushing a button while seated is a bit like playing Russian roulette with your arse. (You can't stand up and try them out because there's a sensor under the seat to make sure you're sitting down, for reasons that will become apparent.)

The first thing you notice is that you can set the seat to be warm when you sit on it. This can be nice in the morning, sort of welcoming, although it takes some getting used to. It always reminds me of the old saying: "Making love to an experienced woman is like going to the toilet and finding the seat warm - it's nice but you can't help wondering who was there before you". Incidentally there isn't a button on the toilet to summon an experienced woman to your room, but it can certainly be arranged, at least in Shanghai.

Now that you're seated, business proceeds essentially as usual, without any assistance. However when you're done taking a shit you can press a button and have a jet of water shoot up and clean your arsehole before you wipe. There's a knob to set the temperature of the water (it can't be set too cold or too hot, at least not on the ones I've tried - no-one needs a freezing cold water-jet-in-the-anus wake-up call do they?) and another button to start and stop the jet. When you push the button there's a two second delay while a small mechanical sound comes from down below, making you wonder what you just unleashed. Then a sudden focused jet of water shoots up and hits you perfectly in the brown-eye.

How do they manage this? No matter how you sit it always seems to know exactly where to aim so as to "hit the bullseye". It's amazing. And it's definitely a jet, not a spray, so it gets your attention. (You can also set the water pressure so that it ranges from mild arse cleansing to extreme clag removal.) This is the reason for the sensor under the seat - if it weren't there you could press the button while standing and the water would almost hit the ceiling. It might make for an interesting novelty drinking fountain, I suppose.

One thing for a bloke to note - there's another button, usually colored pink (get the hint?) which deliveres a differently targeted water spray to clean your vagina. Since you don't have a vagina you just end up with a sudden shock and a pair of wet balls, which now need to be dried. There isn't a ball-dryer button on the panel, at least not that I've found.

So now you're done pressure washing your anus, you can wipe your arse in the more traditional manner. This is necessary for two reasons: firstly it just feels wrong if you don't, no matter how effective the spray, and secondly you still have a wet arse. But you can face the world in Tokyo knowing that you, and most of the people around you, have the cleanest ringpieces on the planet. If you can tell anything about a civilization by the quality of its toilets (and I firmly believe there is no better way) then the Japanese are advanced indeed. Just watch out if things seem to be getting extra hot down there - it's not unknown for these toilets to catch fire. In that case just press any button to extinguish your pubes and remember to drop and roll on the bathroom with the minimum of screaming. This is a nice hotel and no-one wants to see a man with burned balls stampeding down the corridor, do they?


Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison