A Time And A Place

It occurred to me yesterday, when I made that comment about farting a tune, what a wonderful gift of humor flatulence is, provided that it can be harnessed and deployed in a targeted fashion. Nothing can beat a well-timed fart for its simple ability to render a certain type of person speechless with laughter. Imagine yourself in an exam room - the tension is immense as you and a hundred other people struggle to marshall facts and arguments, scribbling intently in your answer book. Your entire future may depend on the outcome. The room is silent, save for the occasional turn of a page; you look around and wonder why everyone else seems to be writing more than you. You look up at the clock as it moves inexorably on; the sunlight creeping in at the window illuminates tiny particles of dust swirling in the air. Time is suspended. Suddenly, a long rasping fart assaults the room from a place about three chairs to your right. It's one of those that starts low and then rises, for about three seconds, before tailing off on a high note.

The simple absurdity of it, coupled by the realization that everyone else heard it too, starts you laughing silently. You catch someone's eye and they're laughing too. You can't let out a sound but you can't stop laughing, so you shake uncontrollably as the tears roll down. Five minutes of precious writing time elapse as you regain control.

By the same token, there are plenty of occasions where a fart can lose its humor, especially if you happen to be the perpetrator. It takes real courage to drop one in these places, but if you hit the barbecue beans a bit hard last night and are feeling adventurous, here is a list of places to try letting one go. I doubt whether anyone around you will laugh, but the gods of arse humor will most assuredly smile on you.

• In a shared hot tub, before the jets come on.
  
• During a prostate exam (or, if you are female, during one of those girly exams where the gynacologist is buried up to his wristwatch in your clunge, giving your cervix the once-over).
  
• When the vicar asks if anyone here present knows of any reason why these two people should not be joined together in holy matrimony.
  
• Anywhere at all after you have consumed a large prune smoothie.
  
• At a funeral, while bending over the casket to pay your respects.
  
• While getting your shoes shined.
  
• While getting your inside leg measured for a new suit.
  
• In an elevator full of people, right after the doors close.
  
• During copulation, so that the vibration can be felt by your partner through their genitals.
  
• When meeting your child's teacher to discuss their progress during the year.
  
• Driving to lunch with your new boss in his two-seater sports car.
  
• While acting as a nude model for a life-drawing class.
  
• Just as your new girlfriend/boyfriend goes down on you for the very first time.
  
• During a relaxing massage, while the masseuse is working on your upper thighs.
  
• During a relaxing massage, while you are enjoying the "happy ending".
  
• In a rugby scrum.
  
• While sharing a sleeping bag.
  
• In answer to the question "Do you still love me?"
  

Mrs.Bison has a cousin with a massive gift of flatulence who once farted loudly on his girlfriend's leg while they were in bed together. She burst into tears and had to get out of bed and wash it. I am sure he scored absolutely zero points that night for good behavior but the story, recounted to us later by her, was priceless.

Which all brings us to the age-old philosophical question: "If a man farted in the woods and there was nobody there to hear it, would it still be funny?" To which I believe the answer is no. If a person farts and there's no-one around to be appalled by it then the humor is wasted. On the other hand, just don't expect that your gynacologist/masseuse/tailor is going to see the funny side. Humor can be a lonely business...




Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison