What Gift?

It's Valentine's Day tomorrow, and someone somewhere is going to wake up to a Valentines teddy bear, humorously dressed and carrying a card emblazoned with a personalized message of love. And if they have any sense they will pull on their clothes, get the fuck out of the relationship and never look back. If you've ever considered buying any such piece of shite please seriously contemplate checking yourself into a suitable mental institution for electro-convulsive shock therapy.

I used to look forward to Valentine's Day when I was a kid - it meant the possibility of unsolicited anonymous notes from girls in the mail that held the vague promise of a kiss (or, as I got older, a shag). It also meant the distinct possibility of fuck-all in the mail and no hint of romance, but even this would have to be better than receiving a stuffed bear with a love note. I mean, it's all very well getting the bear and seeing it as an invitation to at least one night of sordid carnal lust, possibly involving multiple orifices and acts illegal in several of these United States, but once you're done you have to turn over and have a conversation with the kind of person who expresses themselves in phrases like "love-bunny".

So what do the gifts that men purchase for Valentine's Day say about them?

Diamonds
A sign of desperation. You are worried that your wife will find out about that indiscretion after the office party. Guilt is the key motivator and any woman receiving a diamond "Journey" necklace should immediately assume that her husband has fucked one of her friends/sisters recently.

Chocolates
You are a feeder. You secretly long for sex with a large woman and the chance to lose yourself in her ample charms. The message you are sending to your spouse is "Bulk up quick, honey, I have a lard fetish." Failing that you'll be beating off to pictures of Rosie O'Donnell before you know it.

Stuffed Toys
You suffer from arrested development. Somewhere down the line you were forced to stop sucking your thumb and wetting the bed but you never quite got over the shock. Buying a stuffed bear for a fully grown woman is just your way of saying "I'm a gigantic pansy." You have difficulty maintaining an erection.

Roses
You have no imagination. Your life is over and you're now just going through the motions; the habitual purchase of flowers on Valentine's Day is a mere reflex act, no more indicative of thought than a fart after a three-bean casserole. Sex takes place on the third Saturday of the month and always in the missionary position. You will never have your dick sucked again. Ever.

Edible Panties
You've never actually had sex with a real woman have you? But you've read about it, and seen pictures. You've watched movies and read the "Readers' Letters" in Penthouse, so you know exactly what a real woman wants, right? Yeah, right. While you're in the store, buy some pornography - you'll probably need it later.

Romantic Dinner For Two
Your desperation is all too apparent. You've been trying to nail this woman for ages and are frantically attempting to sustain the illusion that you have a responsible job with prospects, at least until you can get her into bed. Unfortunately she will eat the lobster, drink the champagne and then have a headache or period or husband to go home to.

Nothing At All
You are a real man, confident in your ability to attract females. Your penis is large and you can lick your own eyebrows. It is not necessary for you to send trinkets and cards; you are witty, intelligent and well-traveled, and your reputation in bed speaks for itself. Nothing further is required. At least that's what I'm going to tell Mrs.Bison tomorrow. Wish me luck...


Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison