Y Not?

I couldn't help noticing the following disturbing medical news story today:

"The sexually transmitted virus that causes cervical cancer in women is poised to become one of the leading causes of oral cancer in men, according to a new study. The HPV virus now causes as many cancers of the upper throat as tobacco and alcohol, probably due both to an increase in oral sex and the decline in smoking, researchers say."

Wow, bummer. Add that to the list of things to worry about when "eating at the Y". It seesm to me that sentient male human beings generally fall into one of three categories when it comes to this particular act:

• Those who do it because they enjoy it.
  
• Those who do it because it means they'll get a blow job in return.
  
• Those who don't do it because it's disgusting.
  

The latter category is typically comprised of anorak-wearing losers, religious nutjobs, homosexuals (who are excused, for fairly obvious reasons) and the kind of people who wash their hands forty times a day. Trust medical science to take the fucking fun out of it though. I could have happily lived the rest of my life without knowing that I risked throat cancer by worshipping at the bearded clam. It seems to me that just about anything remotely pleasurable has been linked to disease, misery and early death. By the time you've given up smoking and drinking, eating fatty food, chocolate and cakes, driving too fast and insultng strangers in bars, what's left? I don't care how much stuff you have on TIVO, it's no substitute for living.

Still, I suppose knowing that you're flirting with the Big C by diving down there might take your mind off all the other potential problems, like not having directions to the clitoris, getting your air supply cut off in the throes of passion, or attempting to hack up a stubborn and irretrievable pube for the rest of the evening.

Of course you can trust the good people of the drug industry to come up with a solution. They intend to market the same drug that's currently used in women, a vaccine made by Merck, for the protection of men. Unfortunately it's not clear that it actually does anything to help; the American Cancer Society is quoted as stating:

"It's not clear yet that the vaccine even prevents the HPV infection in males, let alone cancer or any other illness"

Why let a minor problem like there being no evidence that your product actually works stand in the way of potential drug sales though:

"Merck plans to seek U.S. Food and Drug Administration approval for the vaccine in men later this year, meaning a government decision would be likely in 2009."

Of course, if you go back to the original article you will discover that the HPV virus is "poised to become one of the leading causes of oral cancer in men" possibly only because one of the other big causes, smoking, has been declining in popularity. It was suggested that an increase in oral sex was also a contributing factor but researchers also noted that HPV-related upper throat cancers declined significantly in women over the last twenty years, implying either that lesbian sex is seriously on the decline (which I doubt, because if you look on the internet it's everywhere) or that the researchers actually don't have a bastard clue what's going on.

One of the other potential causes of throat cancer that was listed is drinking, which in reality means that if you're a man with a view to a muff you're doubly at risk. If the HPV virus doesn't give you cancer then the large scotch you use to take away the taste and try to wash down that stray pube almost certainly will. Which just goes to show that you should never listen to anything the medical profession has to say - all those long days in the lab have addled their brains. Just take a deep breath, remove your glasses and get in there. Just so long as you're getting your sword swallowed in return - I mean, fair's fair, you're risking death down there so it's the least she could do...


Copyright ©: 2008 Edward Bison