Beep Beep

Just in case I needed another reason not to get my penis pierced, I saw this news story today about a 37 year-old woman who was forced to remove her nipple piercings to get through a TSA screening at a Texas airport. It seems that one of them required pliers to remove, which the TSA thoughtfully provided. Now the woman is all pissed off that she was made to pull out her nipple jewelry in order to make her flight and is calling for a "civil rights" investigation.

I don't know about you, but when I think about civil rights I'm picturing really big social issues like the right to vote, sitting at the back of the bus and the end of segregation. Somehow wanting to have your fucking tits pierced without getting hassle at an airport metal detector doesn't have quite the same resonance. Why does everything now have to be a "civil rights" issue? Typical of the exaggerated bullshit that accompanies all these civil rights complaints is the assertion by the old boiler concerned that reinserting her titty bars caused "an enormous amount of physical pain". Really? I would have thought that novocaine-free root canals, kidney stones and bone cancer might be the kind of things that would fall into this category; shoving these things back in her mams probably caused something more like "minor discomfort", but that doesn't sound so good in the news, does it?

Anyway, if you're going to shove bits of steel in all your sensitive parts I would imagine that your pain threshhold would have to be fairly high. The chances of me agreeing to have someone shove a giant needle through my tongue so they can insert a screw are somewhere between "zero" and "no fucking way". I can understand ears (if you're a girl), but the idea of piercing something filled with sensitive nerve endings such as, for instance, your helmet or clitoris, strikes me as completely ridiculous. I used to think it would be funny to go through the airport screening with a huge Prince Albert and set off the metal detectors, but not so funny that I'd actually allow someone to do that to Junior Bison. What do you take me for? A complete twat? "Just lie back and relax - I'm going to shove a steel ring through the tip of your old chap." That's the stuff of nightmares - the kind where you wake up sweating and clawing at the sheets, where you check your dick just to make sure everything's OK before you lie back on the pillow.

In case the whole procedure isn't enough to put you off, if you do end up with a penis ring you may find that piss dribbles down your leg, requiring you to sit like a girl. Now that's attractive, isn't it? I've been at sports events where you have to fight your way to the trough in the men's khazi through a mass of blokes six deep. Any hint of "performance anxiety" and you're fucked - you go in, piss, zip and out, before someone wizzes on your shoes. The last thing you need is to piss on your own shoes because of your cock piercing.

By the way, I just asked Mrs.Bison if I should get a cock ring and her response was "No. No. Absolutely not. What the fuck is wrong with you?" I guess that means that in future I'll be setting off metal detectors with my watch, belt or keys, like any normal human being. And pissing standing up...


Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison