The Worst Thing
What’s the worst thing you can say about a bloke? Victor Hugo was supposed to have said that "The worst thing you can say about a man is that in ten years his ideas haven't changed." I don’t know if he did in fact say that, and I don’t know much else about Victor Hugo but if that is any indication of the level of his thinking then I wouldn’t bother with the rest of it. What complete bollocks! Can you imagine going up to someone in a pub, pushing him against the wall and belligerently stating "Oy, mate. Your ideas haven’t changed much recently." It’s not quite on a par with "You’re a fucking pansy cocksucker. What’re you going to do about it?" is it?
I only got thinking about this because I read this story where a guy called Juan Pablo di Pace is complaining that a poster with his naked picture in it that is being used by the Royal Opera House has been airbrushed to make his penis look smaller than it actually is. I guess with a name like Juan Pablo di Pace you’re expected to be a swarthy Latin stallion with the sexual stamina of a rabbit on Viagra, and it punctures the image a bit to be portrayed as hung like a hamster. To be fair to him, having a picture of you with a tiny dick plastered all over the London Underground is probably worse than being told that your ideas haven’t changed in ten years, but it got me wondering if this was indeed the worst thing that could be said about a man.
My guess is that no bloke wants to be told that he has a small penis, although that doesn’t really apply if you’ve got a 12 incher, In that case, in response to the insult you can just whip it out and put the rumor to rest. I’m not sure about blokes who actually do have a Chihuahua dick – do they just reply with "Yep. You’re absolutely right"? I mean, you can deny all you like, but if there’s a woman present that you’re hoping to "slip into" later you may be better coming clean now. I would assume that most blokes fall into the "somewhere in the middle" category though – nothing to be ashamed of, but not going to be called upon to be King Dong’s stunt double either. Would it be worse to be accused of having a small weenie or something else, like being ugly, shit in bed, badly dressed, unfunny, fat or gay? (Apologies to any fat, ugly, badly dressed gay men who are shit in bed and have no sense of humor who might be reading this, especially if you also happen to be in possession of a really small cock.)
There is a quote, sometimes attributed to John Cleese, which states that "an Englishman would rather be told he was a bad lover than he had no sense of humor." (Except he spelled it "humour", obviously.) Is this true? Would you rather be thought of as an unfunny guy who can repeatedly bring a woman to gasping orgasm or a witty and humorous satirist who’s in, off and out in two minutes, barely touching the sides? Let’s throw this one out to the ladies – which one’s more likely to get you frothing at the gash? Frank Skinner once wrote something about the myth that you can use humor to charm a woman into bed, as though it was some "morally acceptable date rape drug", while in fact you can spend a whole evening making a woman laugh and still watch her run off and shag some more good-looking bloke. Clearly a good sense of humor is somewhat overrated.
So is having a small dick or being a bad lover really the end of the world? Probably not. To put things in perspective I’ll leave the final word to a particularly astute stand-up comedian:
This bloke gets a woman back to his room and when they’re getting undressed she looks at his dick and says "Who do you think you’re going to satisfy with that?" So he looks at her and he says "Me".
Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison
I only got thinking about this because I read this story where a guy called Juan Pablo di Pace is complaining that a poster with his naked picture in it that is being used by the Royal Opera House has been airbrushed to make his penis look smaller than it actually is. I guess with a name like Juan Pablo di Pace you’re expected to be a swarthy Latin stallion with the sexual stamina of a rabbit on Viagra, and it punctures the image a bit to be portrayed as hung like a hamster. To be fair to him, having a picture of you with a tiny dick plastered all over the London Underground is probably worse than being told that your ideas haven’t changed in ten years, but it got me wondering if this was indeed the worst thing that could be said about a man.
My guess is that no bloke wants to be told that he has a small penis, although that doesn’t really apply if you’ve got a 12 incher, In that case, in response to the insult you can just whip it out and put the rumor to rest. I’m not sure about blokes who actually do have a Chihuahua dick – do they just reply with "Yep. You’re absolutely right"? I mean, you can deny all you like, but if there’s a woman present that you’re hoping to "slip into" later you may be better coming clean now. I would assume that most blokes fall into the "somewhere in the middle" category though – nothing to be ashamed of, but not going to be called upon to be King Dong’s stunt double either. Would it be worse to be accused of having a small weenie or something else, like being ugly, shit in bed, badly dressed, unfunny, fat or gay? (Apologies to any fat, ugly, badly dressed gay men who are shit in bed and have no sense of humor who might be reading this, especially if you also happen to be in possession of a really small cock.)
There is a quote, sometimes attributed to John Cleese, which states that "an Englishman would rather be told he was a bad lover than he had no sense of humor." (Except he spelled it "humour", obviously.) Is this true? Would you rather be thought of as an unfunny guy who can repeatedly bring a woman to gasping orgasm or a witty and humorous satirist who’s in, off and out in two minutes, barely touching the sides? Let’s throw this one out to the ladies – which one’s more likely to get you frothing at the gash? Frank Skinner once wrote something about the myth that you can use humor to charm a woman into bed, as though it was some "morally acceptable date rape drug", while in fact you can spend a whole evening making a woman laugh and still watch her run off and shag some more good-looking bloke. Clearly a good sense of humor is somewhat overrated.
So is having a small dick or being a bad lover really the end of the world? Probably not. To put things in perspective I’ll leave the final word to a particularly astute stand-up comedian:
This bloke gets a woman back to his room and when they’re getting undressed she looks at his dick and says "Who do you think you’re going to satisfy with that?" So he looks at her and he says "Me".
Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison
posted by Mr Bison at
9:01 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home