Are You Sitting Comfortably?

What would possess a man to shove a potato up his arse? I was checking out rotten.com last night (don't ask why - I was bored, OK?) when I came across this set of pictures of a man who was getting a jar of jelly and a potato removed from his rectum. (When I said I came across them I just mean I found them - you need to get your mind out of the gutter.) Now there are a number of questions that this photoset raises.

• What sort of man shoves a potato or a jar up his arse?
  
• What sort of man has himself photographed having them removed?
  
• What sort of person photographs a man having things removed from his arse?
  

I know that the male prostate is supposed to be some sort of erogenous zone but personally I'm quite OK with the frontal erogenous zones, thank you very much, and can't see the need to be shoving things up my tradesman's entrance. Still, that's just me. However, even those blokes who want something shoved up their browneye would surely have to confess that there have to be better choices than a potato or a jar. How about buying a sex toy? They're not that expensive are they? Is the mortage crisis that bad? Are you so fucking hard up that you're rummaging through the pantry for something that might possibly fit up there?

Even if you do want to go the "improvised" route, it's probably worth remembering the following:

1. If you stick a potato up your sphincter it's going to close behind it and you're not going to get it out, Einstein.
   
2. If you stick a jar up your sphincter not only is it going to close behind it so you can't get it out, but it's made of glass, fuckwit. Glass breaks. Glass will shred your Hershey Highway so bad you'll have trouble getting anything out, let alone in.
   

I have to ask what goes through someone's mind after they just shoved a vegetable up their Marmite Motorway. The bloke must have been standing there, one potato right up there, incapable of being retreived, and he says to himself "What now? I know, I think I'll follow it up with a jar of jam. That would be a great idea!" I don't care if the feeling was so good he spooged all over the ceiling - when it was all over he was left standing in his kitchen (please God, tell me he did it in his kitchen and not in the aisle at his local supermarket) with a potato and a jar of jelly up his arse.

Now I've heard the joke excuses - "I was showering and the phone rang so I ran into the kitchen and slipped - my robe fell open and I landed on this banana, honest doctor" - but how do you explain falling on a potato and then a jar? That was some amazing fall, mate. That would have made the highlights on the "Up Your Arse" TV special for sure.

No-one can peruse the internet for more than an hour without figuring out that there are some sick bastards out there but I have to say that this takes the biscuit. Even the man fucking a chicken must look down on this bloke. "Hey, I know I shagged a chicken - I needed the money - but shoving stuff in my arse? Are you kidding me?"

You know what I'm doing right now? I'm sitting down. That feels good, and I'm not about to give that up, no matter what they say about the prostate. As far as I'm soncerned its only function is to wake me up in the night when I get older, and that's how it should be.


Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison