No Such Thing As A Free Call

Anyone who's ever stayed in a hotel knows that you don't use the phone in your room to call anyone unless you actively enjoy giving large amounts of your money away to cunts in unfashionable uniforms when you check out. This is especially true if the people you are calling happen to be in another country, in which case the cost that would appear on your bill would approximate to the GDP of a small Central American economy. Consequently my company thoughtfully equips us with 800 number calling cards which we can use to make calls anywhere in the world. In almost any hotel in those parts of the world that I've seen, including China and India, your phone calls are free if you call the appropriate "800" number for the country you happen to be in. I've seen a couple of places in the US that levy a connection fee of $1 or 50 cents per call, which is shit.

They claim that this is their way of recovering the cost of providing the service of having a phone in your room but we know that's bollocks, don't we children? The phone doesn't cost them anything once it's there, and if you call a free number it won't cost them anything either. The phone is a fixed cost, a bit like the tap that your water comes out of - sure it costs them something to put it there but you wouldn't rent a room that didn't have a phone, any more than one that had no sink. In fact it would make more sense to charge you for water usage because that actually costs them money when you use more. But they don't, because they'd look like, well, cunts.

So why choose the phone to levy a special charge on? Why not have a TV charge when you watch free TV (instead of the one-handed "special" viewing that they provide)? They could charge you a fee for using the free tea and coffee facilities instead of the "six dollars for a soda" minibar. The short answer is it's because they hate to see people find ways to avoid getting fleeced. As it is, when you check out you often find on your bill, in addition to whatever room rate you were quoted, about three separate special tax assessments that add 25% to the cost.

In most cases, though, the phone charge is a nuisance but not punitive. However, this morning I checked out of a hotel in Manchester. (I wouldn't want to embarass them, so let's just call it the HILTON HOTEL AT MANCHESTER AIRPORT) and I saw on my bill SEVEN separate charges for phone calls. They varied from $4-9 per call (charged in UK pounds, obviously). I challenged this and was told that this was a connection fee. Well, excuse me, but if you're going to be the kind of cunt-bag establishment that levies a connection fee it's kind of traditional to have a sign pointing this out and not just ambush people at check-out. Plus, if it's a connection fee why aren't the amounts all the same? They sent me a "Guest Ambassador" or some such bollocks, who had no idea and suggested that she could talk to maintenance later about it. "No, I have a plane to catch and I'm checking out now so I'd like you to sort it out now." The amount involved was about $45 for seven calls, and they ended up crediting me, I think just to get me to fuck off.

Some places just exist to try and fuck you in the arse. How much should breakfast at a basic hotel cost? (This is not high-end, it's a fucking brick box special.) Ten dollars? Fifteen? This one was about $35 for one buffet. In other words "Never mind what we quoted you for the room, when you get here we're going to shaft you rectally, good and proper, because you're captive and we can. If you want breakfast we're going to make you pay." Nearly all my travel is on business so I'm not paying myself but it's the principle of the thing. Plus, imagine you're a family of five spending the night before heading out on vacation. That's $175 for breakfast! And they had dried-out black pudding too.

So if you're planning any vacations out of Manchester and the Hilton is on your itinerary I'd strongly suggest you apply a little lubricant "back there" before you arrive. Or you could build a fire in your room to cook breakfast, and send smoke signals for communication. Your choice...


Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison