Equipment Excess

For many millenia, since our ancestors came down from the trees in fact, our species has been for the most part bipedal; that is to say, it has accomplished locomotion via its two hind legs. This seems to work pretty well as far as I can tell, and absent the influence of excessive alcohol intake, most of us find that we are able to navigate the terrain around us quite successfully. However, if you have been tempted to go for a walk in the country recently you might have observed the phenomenon of ramblers with what look like ski poles in each hand.

I'm sure these implements must have had a real function at some point in time, maybe for Scott as he was traversing the Antarctic or for Edmund Hillary making his way up the lower slopes of Everest to base camp. What I don't understand is how they suddenly became requisite equipment for a walk through a field to a tea shop. In the old days you might have seen some bloke with a walking stick in one hand as he strode over the hillside doing his best "One Man And His Dog" impression, but the stick was essentially ornamental, unlikely to be required for driving off predators. And at least it looked sort of "countryside", part of an ensemble that could be completed with a pipe, collie dog, beard and trilby.

Nowadays everyone's got to go to the "Outdoor Gear" retailer and get equipped for a major expedition before they feel they can leave the house for a walk. Better get the lightweight walking boots, Gore-tex jacket, breathable showerproof leggings, walking poles, GPS holder and silly hat - wouldn't want to be caught out unprepared in a rain shower would we? Might have to call out Helicopter Rescue to get us to the Little Chef for a pot of tea.

Yesterday the human race (or at least our local contingent) reached a new low. There was a middle-aged porky bloke walking past the local school dressed in full outdoor gear (walking boots, socks, hat, etc.) and using two poles to assist him in the difficult process of perambulation along the sodding pavement! There's nowehere nearby that would provide any excuse for "Everest Expedition" attire (at least nowhere that this fat fucker was going to reach), but rather than go for a walk as an anonymous person he chose to dress as conspicuously like an arsehole as possible. An arsehole on a mission.

Every hobby or pastime has its own specialist gear which appeals equally to the serious participant and the casual equipment fetishist. Some of us resist the temptation, usually because nature's own defence mechanism - shame - kicks in to prevent us humiliating ourselves by dressing like Wolf the Gladiator at the gym, Sherpa Tensing in the woods or Lance Armstrong when we're cycling to the pub. But there exists a significant subsegment of the population for whom "shame" is a foreign concept, along with "taste" or "moderation".

Lucky for Backcountry and REI that these people exist, because if they had to survive on the people who actually needed the products they sold to enable them to pursue their "extreme leisure" pursuits they'd be tiny specialist stores populated entirely by beardy weirdies and fitness bores. Of course it's the same with cars - when was the last time you saw a Trail-Rated Jeep Rubicon do more than drive over the grass verge or park on the field at the local fair?

Maybe walking poles are the modern incarnation of the Siberian Wandering Toilet, for use when you have to take a shit in the snowy wastelands. One pole is to hang your trousers on, and the other is to keep away the wolves. Perhaps they've been adapted for use in the suburban countryside - one stick to hang your Gore-tex breathable outerwear on, and another to keep other people's dogs from sniffing your arse while you take a dump. Just a suggestion...


Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison