In The Hole

Confession time – I watched about fifteen minutes of the US Open golf championship on TV today. Yeah, I know – watching golf on TV is a sign of serious mental deterioration; once you start doing that, the next thing you know you’re in the store buying hats with “Titleist” on them and talking with colleagues at work about “that shot Tiger made on the 17th where he hit the cut over the water”. And after that your continued existence on the planet has no value.

Anyway, as I watched I noticed something about the crowd. Any time anyone hit a shot, no matter where they were hitting it from, as soon as they’d hit the ball people would shout “Get in the hole!” as loud as they could. Not everyone, obviously, but a small number of loud-mouthed, brainless cunts.

Maybe once upon a time someone did this when they saw a really long putt approaching the hole and they felt driven by excitement to exclaim something (although, having once attended the Ryder Cup while entertaining customers I cannot see how “excitement” could possibly enter into the proceedings). Now, though, these twats shout it any time there is even a vague chance of the ball going anywhere near the green. They shout it when golfers tee off on a par 3, when they’re hitting shots from the fairway and any time they’re putting. They seem to shout for the leaders and for the “also-rans” in equal measure. In fact the only important feature of the whole exclamation is that it must be made one millisecond after the ball has been hit, i.e. as soon as it’s permissible to make noise.

Note that at the point in time when some fat cunt in a Callaway shirt shouts “Get in the hole” no-one yet has any idea whether the shot is in fact going anywhere near the hole. Leaving aside the fact that it’s impossible for the average human being to see the ball at all most of the time, what’s the point of shouting “Get in the hole” when for all you know the ball may be headed straight for the water. Or a bunker. Or some unfortunate spectator’s groin. And yet they do it. Every hole. All then fucking time, which just confirms my impression that a disproportionately large percentage of the people who follow golf are, in fact, complete wankers.

I wonder if they do the same thing when they’re watching porn. They could be settled down with a couple of buddies, watching a skin flick (I know, real men never watch porn together, but these are golfers we’re talking about) when some actress with plastic tits is approached by a large muscular man with a moustache, dressed as a plumber (or whatever the plot requires). When he pulls out his dong, do they leap up in their pastel colored golf shirts and shout “Get in the hole”? If not, why not? It makes at least as much sense as shouting it on a golf course, with the added bonus that you can be pretty sure that the dong is, in fact, going into the hole (although the exact hole may be uncertain, requiring the exclamation to be modified to “Get in a hole”).

If you can’t find anything else to do tomorrow, watch the final round of the US Open with some beer, and drink every time you hear “Get in the hole”. I swear by the end you won’t be able to stand up.


Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison