My Biggest Fan

I just installed a new ceiling fan because the old one broke, and this house definitely needs something to make the air move in summer. This pleased Mrs Bison, who hated the old one as it was a shiny brass thing - she prefers the brushed nickel look, but not so much that she'll bug me to replace something that's working fine. So off we went to Home Depot, to peruse the many and varied ceiling fans there to be found. Almost every one had lights attached, which we didn't want, and it took us a while to figure out that they were an option which could be fitted or not. A staff member pointed this out and directed us to the end-of-aisle display where there were simple models that were more to our taste.

As I think I've mentioned before, I don't rate myself that handy when it comes to fixing and installing stuff, so I asked "Is this easy to install if you're replacing an existing fan?"

"Oh yes" said the assistant "just connect black to black and white to white - it's really easy."

You know how things sound simple in the store, when someone who probably never even got a ceiling fan out of a box, let alone installed one, is explaining it to you? Well, I removed the old fan and it wasn't quite "black and white". In fact, all in all, I had black, white, green, blue, red and bare copper wires to contend with. Yeah, I figured it out, and it wasn't difficult, but nothing you try and install yourself ever ends up being as simple as they make it sound in the store. That's why I apply the "What's The Worst" doctrine to all home improvement projects. This works as follows: I assume that I'm going to get halfway through the job and then either find it impossible, or fuck it up. What's the worst thing that can happen? If the answer is "You leave it unfinished and get a bloke in to do it next week" then no problem. If, however, the result is "A thousand gallons of water cascade down the stairs, the house is uninhabitable for three weeks, the furnace blows up and I get stuck on the roof" then I should probably consider getting someone else involved.

Mrs Bison, flushed by proxy with my electrical success (measured by the fact that there's been no sparks or fire yet) has suggested that I replace two other shiny brass light fittings. In one room she thinks that instead of brass, something black would look good hanging from the ceiling. Depending how good my electrical skills really are, it could be me...


Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison