Soccer With No Balls
Some of the players on our over-30 indoor 6-a-side soccer team are taking a few weeks off, allegedly to let various injuries heal. (Our goalkeeper, for instance, had three fingers broken a while back and he still can't close his right hand properly, which must be a bitch when it comes to masturbation.) So those of us who aren't pansies and choose to play through our pain have been looking for new players to fill in for about 8 weeks, just for the next session. I know a bloke at work who plays somewhere else, and whose team just folded, so I asked him if he wanted to play on our team for a couple of months.
Various responses would have been acceptable here, everything from "Yes please, it would be an honor" to "No fucking way, but thanks for asking". What was not acceptable was the response that I did in fact get, which was "I'll have to ask my wife". I'm sorry? Did I hear correctly? Has your wife replaced your mother as the person who decides whether you're allowed out to play? I was disappointed at first to lose a potential player but then I realized that guys with no balls aren't really what we're looking for. (In the end his wife said "OK" but he didn't think she really meant it so he declined!)
What happens to some blokes when they get married that suddenly turns them into pussy-whipped wooftahs? Perhaps it's decades of gender reinforcement from TV sitcoms, where the man of the house is always some lovable but inept dooofus who constantly tries (but fails) to get one over on his much smarter wife. All those episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond where Ray has to figure out how to be allowed to go out and play golf, for instance. I've known blokes who adopt the role of henpecked husband before the sound of wedding bells has even faded, and long before their new wife ever gets around to actually henpecking them. It's as though they've conditioned themselves to believe that this is what married men do.
What makes it worse is that most of these women don't actually do any work, so the bloke is expected to earn all the income but gets no downtime in return. Don't give me all that bollocks about "the work she does inside the home" either. When I was a kid women did work - my mum walked miles to the shops (dragging us with her), bought food at various different little stores, cooked it all, washed up, washed clothes and dried them on a line, cleaned the floors, mended stuff and generally worked her arse off. Nowadays it's all "microwave ready meals" and five minues in the car to the supermarket. Clothes go in the the drier and dishes go in the dishwasher so that today's liberated stay-at-home woman can spend all day at the YMCA, or having coffee with friends, or experimenting with a gigantic pink dildo, I don't know.
Mrs Bison saw this post on a mommie-blog recently where this lazy cow was complaining about her husband working late. She has one small kid to look after but was so tired because she'd been "single-mom-ing it all week" that she had let the house go to shit. And she was moaning about it online. Well this must be news to all the real single moms out there, especially the ones who manage to work as well as bring up kids and look after the house. Here's this vacuous bint who seriously believes she's got a hard life, and you can bet her limp-wristed husband isn't going to be getting any free time when he gets home.
Some married couples also labor under the mistaken belief that because they got married they can never do anything by themselves ever again, on pain of death. Everything is a "couples event". One of my old friends got married young and I swear we couldn't pry the bitch off him with a crowbar afterwards. There has to be some balance here. I travel a lot on business but when I get home I don't get any whining from my excellent spouse when I go to the gym or play soccer. She knows it's necessary downtime, and it makes me a better person to be around.
In return I don't fart in bed and pull the covers over her head, so we're all even really. Oh, and I sometimes load the dishwasher. Like I said, it just needs some give and take...
Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison
Various responses would have been acceptable here, everything from "Yes please, it would be an honor" to "No fucking way, but thanks for asking". What was not acceptable was the response that I did in fact get, which was "I'll have to ask my wife". I'm sorry? Did I hear correctly? Has your wife replaced your mother as the person who decides whether you're allowed out to play? I was disappointed at first to lose a potential player but then I realized that guys with no balls aren't really what we're looking for. (In the end his wife said "OK" but he didn't think she really meant it so he declined!)
What happens to some blokes when they get married that suddenly turns them into pussy-whipped wooftahs? Perhaps it's decades of gender reinforcement from TV sitcoms, where the man of the house is always some lovable but inept dooofus who constantly tries (but fails) to get one over on his much smarter wife. All those episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond where Ray has to figure out how to be allowed to go out and play golf, for instance. I've known blokes who adopt the role of henpecked husband before the sound of wedding bells has even faded, and long before their new wife ever gets around to actually henpecking them. It's as though they've conditioned themselves to believe that this is what married men do.
What makes it worse is that most of these women don't actually do any work, so the bloke is expected to earn all the income but gets no downtime in return. Don't give me all that bollocks about "the work she does inside the home" either. When I was a kid women did work - my mum walked miles to the shops (dragging us with her), bought food at various different little stores, cooked it all, washed up, washed clothes and dried them on a line, cleaned the floors, mended stuff and generally worked her arse off. Nowadays it's all "microwave ready meals" and five minues in the car to the supermarket. Clothes go in the the drier and dishes go in the dishwasher so that today's liberated stay-at-home woman can spend all day at the YMCA, or having coffee with friends, or experimenting with a gigantic pink dildo, I don't know.
Mrs Bison saw this post on a mommie-blog recently where this lazy cow was complaining about her husband working late. She has one small kid to look after but was so tired because she'd been "single-mom-ing it all week" that she had let the house go to shit. And she was moaning about it online. Well this must be news to all the real single moms out there, especially the ones who manage to work as well as bring up kids and look after the house. Here's this vacuous bint who seriously believes she's got a hard life, and you can bet her limp-wristed husband isn't going to be getting any free time when he gets home.
Some married couples also labor under the mistaken belief that because they got married they can never do anything by themselves ever again, on pain of death. Everything is a "couples event". One of my old friends got married young and I swear we couldn't pry the bitch off him with a crowbar afterwards. There has to be some balance here. I travel a lot on business but when I get home I don't get any whining from my excellent spouse when I go to the gym or play soccer. She knows it's necessary downtime, and it makes me a better person to be around.
In return I don't fart in bed and pull the covers over her head, so we're all even really. Oh, and I sometimes load the dishwasher. Like I said, it just needs some give and take...
Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison
posted by Mr Bison at
4:56 PM
1 Comments:
Marriage counselling, the Mr Bison way.
I agree about the housewife single Mom thing. Some of those lazy bitches don't know they're born.
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