Wedding Service (Revised)

Now that California has apparently opened the door to homosexual weddings (again) it is about time we confronted our stereotypes and accepted that these unions are going to be a fact of life. We should embrace them and, indeed, go out of our way to make the experience as stress-free as possible for those involved. To this end I thought it would be nice if someone updated the old-fashioned Anglican marriage service to be more "inclusive", with none of the old prejudices. I couldn't find a new version so I took a stab at revising it myself - hope it helps:

The minister says to the congregation

First, I am required to ask anyone present who knows a reason why these persons may not lawfully marry, to declare it now.

Someone shouts out

They're two blokes - how's that for a bloody reason?

The minister says to the couple

The vows you are about to take are to be made in the presence of the California Legal System, which is judge of all and knows all the secrets of our hearts; therefore if either of you knows a reason why you may not lawfully marry, you must declare it now.

Someone shouts out

What the fuck is wrong with you? Can't you see that there's two wieners and no bun here?

The minister says to the "Top"

Jeremy, will you take Nigel to be your wife? Will you love him, cornhole him, honor and teabag him, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall feel like it?

He answers

I will.

The minister says to the "Bottom"

Nigel, will you take Jeremy to be your husband? Will you love him, go down on him, open your ass to him, and, forsaking all others, play his rusty trombone as long as you both work at the same branch of Banana Republic?

He answers

I will.

The Top and Bottom face each other. The Top takes the Bottom's right hand in his. These words, are used

I, Jeremy, take you, Nigel, to be my wife, to have in an unnatural fashion from this day forward; for better, for worse, for tighter, for looser, in sickness and, well, in more sickness really, to love and to snowball, till death us do part; according to California's holy law. In the presence of a bunch of blokes with shaved heads and women with no make-up on, I make this vow.

The Bottom places his ring on the fourth finger of the Top's left hand and, holding it there, says

Jeremy, I give you my ring as a sign of our marriage. With my sphincter I honour you, all that I am I give to you, and all that I have I share with you, because, let's face it, you don't get much more committed than this, for the love of God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

The minister joins their right hands together and says

Those whom California has joined together let no one put asunder. You may now buttfuck the bride.

For those of you not called Jeremy or Nigel, feel free to change the names. I didn't have time to do one for lesbian weddings (sorry to all the carpet-munchers out there) but if you replace the "teabag" reference with something about fisting you won't go far wrong. Hope you all live happily ever after!

And to anyone thinking I'm a terrible homophobe, you can fuck right off. I have nothing against gay people, but the thought of them getting married is just ridiculous, OK? Two blokes walking down the aisle? What the fuck were you thinking...?


Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison