And They're Off
What a difference three days makes. When I left the country on Sunday the state of network television was much as it always is - too much weather and too many mind-numbingly retarded game shows and reality shows, all interspersed with commercials for obesity-fueling fast food and cars. No surprise there. Today, however, I returned home to find that something had changed. Sure, it was raining, so every single channel had "up to the minute" doppler radar coverage, with "tornado watch" zones and endless repetitive graphics, but that wasn't new. No, what I suddenly noticed was the campaign ads. It's as though someone pulled the trigger on the local election starting pistol and every useless wanker trying to get votes is suddenly all over my TV, filling the commercial breaks with the kind of fuckwittedly annoying campaign messages that make me long for the Chrysler "gas guarantee" ads and the Pizza Hut "why not be an even fatter bastard than you already are" commercials.
Maybe I'd be more tolerant of these things if any of them contained a shred of originality, creativity or, indeed, honesty, but they don't. They all seem to follow a common format, whether they're placed by the candidate themselves or one of the myriad "front organizations" that stump for them, with their thinly-disguised issue ads. The spot goes like this:
DEEP OMINOUS VOICE: Candidate A says he wants to help low income families in Missouri but in fact he shoots poor people for fun and burns down their homes. Then he rapes their pets and sells their children to human traffickers. [Images of Candidate A in the background show him looking as scary as possible]
LIGHT CHEERFUL VOICE: Candidate B has made real changes to help the poor in Missouri. She passed a bill to make magic money trees appear and whenever she passes by people win the lottery. Since she has been in office women have all lost weight and men's penises have all grown more than an inch in length. [Images of smiling children flocking around Candidate B, who actually has a halo]
FIRM INSTRUCTIVE VOICE: Candidate B - the right choice for Missouri [Image of candidate's name and a ballot box with a tick in it]
There are variations, of course, including the ones that only focus on the negative traits of the opponent:
DEEP OMINOUS VOICE: Candidate A says he believes in family values but he was convicted in 1998 of sodomizing a chicken. He sacrifices goats to Satan and is suspected of killing and dismembering two of his wives. [Images of Candidate A in the background show him with horns growing out of his head] Candidate A - not right for Missouri. Paid for by People Who Don't Like Candidate A.
It's a fucking joke. Every race is a two-horse affair, because in this democratic and free nation you can vote for anyone you like, just so long as they are either a Democrat or Republican. Which means that almost anyone you could vote for has kissed anough party arse and sucked enough political dick to become fully assimilated into the mainstream political orthodoxy. You get to see the campaign ads from both sides, and if even half of what they said about each other was true you'd be hard pressed to get enthusiastic about voting for any of them. Of course most of what is in the typical campaign ad is made up of gross distortions, exaggerations and half-truths, which actually tells you plenty about the political process. It can be summed up in the one campaign ad you never hear:
REASSURING VOICE: Both candidates for State Treasurer claim to be a good choice for Missourians but have you examined their records? They're a couple of cock-sucking sacks of shit who are crawling all over each other to get this job so that they can use it as a stepping stone to the Governor's mansion. And let's face it, neither of them would be qualified to do anything outside politics. So what's your choice? Not much really. Pick the least worst option and hold your nose when you vote.
[Note - I have no idea who's running for State Treasurer in Missouri, or even if that job's one of those coming open - not being able to vote tends to make you even less engaged than the typical "just tell me who the Democrat/Republican is and I'll vote for them" pawn.]
Still, look on the bright side - all these cockmunchers busy working their way up the political food chain are the basis for our whole system of government - people who've never had a real job in their lives, but are considered supremely qualified to make laws for the rest of us, provided that they get the right campaign donations first, of course. And that brings us to the ultimate choice - President of the United States. Voters get to pick between two of the least qualified candidates I've ever seen, which won't stop them filling up my TV screen with their mindless commercials. I never thought I'd see the day when I looked forward to the return of those fucking awful Rallys Hamburger ads...
Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison
Maybe I'd be more tolerant of these things if any of them contained a shred of originality, creativity or, indeed, honesty, but they don't. They all seem to follow a common format, whether they're placed by the candidate themselves or one of the myriad "front organizations" that stump for them, with their thinly-disguised issue ads. The spot goes like this:
DEEP OMINOUS VOICE: Candidate A says he wants to help low income families in Missouri but in fact he shoots poor people for fun and burns down their homes. Then he rapes their pets and sells their children to human traffickers. [Images of Candidate A in the background show him looking as scary as possible]
LIGHT CHEERFUL VOICE: Candidate B has made real changes to help the poor in Missouri. She passed a bill to make magic money trees appear and whenever she passes by people win the lottery. Since she has been in office women have all lost weight and men's penises have all grown more than an inch in length. [Images of smiling children flocking around Candidate B, who actually has a halo]
FIRM INSTRUCTIVE VOICE: Candidate B - the right choice for Missouri [Image of candidate's name and a ballot box with a tick in it]
There are variations, of course, including the ones that only focus on the negative traits of the opponent:
DEEP OMINOUS VOICE: Candidate A says he believes in family values but he was convicted in 1998 of sodomizing a chicken. He sacrifices goats to Satan and is suspected of killing and dismembering two of his wives. [Images of Candidate A in the background show him with horns growing out of his head] Candidate A - not right for Missouri. Paid for by People Who Don't Like Candidate A.
It's a fucking joke. Every race is a two-horse affair, because in this democratic and free nation you can vote for anyone you like, just so long as they are either a Democrat or Republican. Which means that almost anyone you could vote for has kissed anough party arse and sucked enough political dick to become fully assimilated into the mainstream political orthodoxy. You get to see the campaign ads from both sides, and if even half of what they said about each other was true you'd be hard pressed to get enthusiastic about voting for any of them. Of course most of what is in the typical campaign ad is made up of gross distortions, exaggerations and half-truths, which actually tells you plenty about the political process. It can be summed up in the one campaign ad you never hear:
REASSURING VOICE: Both candidates for State Treasurer claim to be a good choice for Missourians but have you examined their records? They're a couple of cock-sucking sacks of shit who are crawling all over each other to get this job so that they can use it as a stepping stone to the Governor's mansion. And let's face it, neither of them would be qualified to do anything outside politics. So what's your choice? Not much really. Pick the least worst option and hold your nose when you vote.
[Note - I have no idea who's running for State Treasurer in Missouri, or even if that job's one of those coming open - not being able to vote tends to make you even less engaged than the typical "just tell me who the Democrat/Republican is and I'll vote for them" pawn.]
Still, look on the bright side - all these cockmunchers busy working their way up the political food chain are the basis for our whole system of government - people who've never had a real job in their lives, but are considered supremely qualified to make laws for the rest of us, provided that they get the right campaign donations first, of course. And that brings us to the ultimate choice - President of the United States. Voters get to pick between two of the least qualified candidates I've ever seen, which won't stop them filling up my TV screen with their mindless commercials. I never thought I'd see the day when I looked forward to the return of those fucking awful Rallys Hamburger ads...
Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison
posted by Mr Bison at
5:19 PM
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