Five Go To Hell In A Handbasket - Part 1
Apologies to all the American readers, to whom none of what follows will make any sense at all. When I was a kid, amongst all the various examples of "nice" childhood fiction (Narnia, Swallows and Amazons and all that), possiby the "nicest" were Enid Blyton's Famous Five stories. Bison Daughter has now been the recipient of some of these stories, sent by relatives back in the UK, and they definitely bring back memories. It seems a shame, however, that there aren't any new stories (on account, one assumes, of Ms Blyton's death) so I thought I'd have a crack at a new one, in the style of the originals. Look, it's Sunday in St.Louis and I wasn't going to spend all day watching fucking tennis so I had to pass the time somehow...
George was excited! Her three cousins, Julian, Dick and Anne were coming to stay for the holidays and she couldn’t wait for all their adventures to start. She hopped from one foot to the other as she strained to see down the lane, looking for any sign of the carriage bringing them from the station.
“George” said her mother, “looking won’t get them here any quicker. You’re supposed to be helping me and learning how to make donuts.”
George, whose real name was Georgina, really wanted to be a boy, and her mother was constantly struggling to make her do girly things, like making cakes.
“I know mother.” said George “The first batch should be ready to come out of the pan now shouldn’t they?”
She piled the hot donuts on a plate and was just showering them in sugar when there was a knock at the door. Timmy the dog barked joyfully and within minutes there was chaos in the kitchen as her three cousins dragged their luggage in.
“Hello Aunt Fanny” said Julian “It really is most kind of you to accommodate us for the holidays again.”
“It’s always a pleasure, Julian” replied his aunt.
George hugged her cousins in turn. “Oh Julian, haven’t you got tall! And Anne, you’ve grown too. And here’s Dick. It wouldn’t be a holiday without Dick, would it? Here, help yourselves to donuts – I made them myself!”
Julian took one and munched it hungrily. “I say George, you did do well. These donuts taste just like Fanny’s.”
“Why aren’t you having one Dick?”
“Dick’s not really hungry” said Julian “We were playing the biscuit game with some prefects in our carriage on the train from boarding school and I’m afraid he’s had rather a lot to eat already.” Dick did in fact look rather pasty.
“Well, it just goes to show that you shouldn’t eat too many biscuits!” said Aunt Fanny, who really had no idea how the biscuit game was played. “Are you sure you wouldn’t prefer an iced bun?”
Dick turned green and ran from the room. “He really needs to work on his technique before next term” said Julian “Why don’t you take him in hand George?”
“Okay” replied George. She desperately wanted a penis of her own, but practicing with someone else’s was the next best thing.
“Why don’t you all have some ginger beer?” said Aunt Fanny, pouring out glasses for all the children. Dick re-entered the kitchen, looking pale. “It’ll be a couple of hours until tea. What are your plans for the rest of the afternoon?”
“Why don’t we go for a walk to the harbor?” suggested George. “We can look at the boats, and there might even be some seamen.”
Dick gagged and ran out again.
“What’s up with Dick?” asked Aunt Fanny.
“I don’t know” said Julian, winking at George, “I think he just gets excited at the thought of seeing seamen again!”
To Be Continued, If I Can Be Arsed...
Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison
George was excited! Her three cousins, Julian, Dick and Anne were coming to stay for the holidays and she couldn’t wait for all their adventures to start. She hopped from one foot to the other as she strained to see down the lane, looking for any sign of the carriage bringing them from the station.
“George” said her mother, “looking won’t get them here any quicker. You’re supposed to be helping me and learning how to make donuts.”
George, whose real name was Georgina, really wanted to be a boy, and her mother was constantly struggling to make her do girly things, like making cakes.
“I know mother.” said George “The first batch should be ready to come out of the pan now shouldn’t they?”
She piled the hot donuts on a plate and was just showering them in sugar when there was a knock at the door. Timmy the dog barked joyfully and within minutes there was chaos in the kitchen as her three cousins dragged their luggage in.
“Hello Aunt Fanny” said Julian “It really is most kind of you to accommodate us for the holidays again.”
“It’s always a pleasure, Julian” replied his aunt.
George hugged her cousins in turn. “Oh Julian, haven’t you got tall! And Anne, you’ve grown too. And here’s Dick. It wouldn’t be a holiday without Dick, would it? Here, help yourselves to donuts – I made them myself!”
Julian took one and munched it hungrily. “I say George, you did do well. These donuts taste just like Fanny’s.”
“Why aren’t you having one Dick?”
“Dick’s not really hungry” said Julian “We were playing the biscuit game with some prefects in our carriage on the train from boarding school and I’m afraid he’s had rather a lot to eat already.” Dick did in fact look rather pasty.
“Well, it just goes to show that you shouldn’t eat too many biscuits!” said Aunt Fanny, who really had no idea how the biscuit game was played. “Are you sure you wouldn’t prefer an iced bun?”
Dick turned green and ran from the room. “He really needs to work on his technique before next term” said Julian “Why don’t you take him in hand George?”
“Okay” replied George. She desperately wanted a penis of her own, but practicing with someone else’s was the next best thing.
“Why don’t you all have some ginger beer?” said Aunt Fanny, pouring out glasses for all the children. Dick re-entered the kitchen, looking pale. “It’ll be a couple of hours until tea. What are your plans for the rest of the afternoon?”
“Why don’t we go for a walk to the harbor?” suggested George. “We can look at the boats, and there might even be some seamen.”
Dick gagged and ran out again.
“What’s up with Dick?” asked Aunt Fanny.
“I don’t know” said Julian, winking at George, “I think he just gets excited at the thought of seeing seamen again!”
To Be Continued, If I Can Be Arsed...
Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison
posted by Mr Bison at
6:50 PM
1 Comments:
I fucking love the Five! Fortunately they have like 12,000 novels so Bison Daughter should be kept busy for a while. My fave was "Five Go to Smugglers Top."
But as an adult there are nuances I wasn't keyed into as a young child:
WTF do Julian, Anne and Dick's parents palm them off on Fanny every damn "hol"??? No wonder Quentin always wants to kill them.
I'd definitely not answer the phone 2 or 3 days before boarding school went on break. You know it would just be those decadent-ass, irresponsible parents!
Speaking of Uncle Quentin, what sort of lab is he running there? A crank lab? He is always insanely furious at the slightest disturbance. Crack frazzle!
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