Take A Seat
It must be a slow news day again because the Associated Press today reported that an Anaheim man just set a Guinness World Record for "Most Seats Sat in 48 Hours" by sitting in 39,250 seats. He did this by showing up at a stadium and, well, just sitting in one seat after another. He's continuing with the effort, mind you, with the goal of sitting in each of the stadium's 92,542 seats by the end of the week.
Who the fuck cares? It's not as though this twat achieved anything that any other person couldn't have done, had they been inclined to show up at an empty stadium and sit down a lot. I suppose I can understand the desire of some people to keep track of athletic records, such as fastest 100 meters, or sports records, like the number of home runs in a season (now discredited by steroid abusing cheats) or touchdown passes in a game. Then there's all those records that fall into the category of "I know not everyone could do that but I'm not sure why anyone would want to". How about "Most Ferrero Rocher chocolates eaten in a minute"? Yes, seriously. Are there categories for every major confectionery product? Then there's "Most cockroaches eaten" (36 in a minute, apparently) and "Faetest run 100 meters, barefoot on ice".
This is all bollocks, isn't it? It's not so much a collection of meaningful records as a freak show of weird and mentally diseased people, and all the bizarre things they choose to do, presumably to gain attention, although possibly in some cases as a symptom of some deep psychological disorder.
Bear in mind that there must have to be some Guinness Records represenative on hand for these events. How does that work then? Do you just pick up an economy pack of live cockroaches and call them up to make an appointment? Imagine what a shit job that must be.
"We've got a great assignment for you this week, Smith. We want you to go to Pasadena and spend 48 hours watching some dumbass sitting in lots and lots of identical seats. Oh, and you have to count how many times he does it. Why? Who the fuck knows why, Smith. It's your goddam job. We're in the records business and this dumb son of a bitch is going to set a record, so get your bony ass down to Pasadena and count some goddam plastic seats. Jesus, you'll be telling me next you don't want to count how many cockroaches a guy can eat."
Let's face it, the guy who can shear fifty sheep in eight hours probably earned a bit of respect in the sheep-shearing community. (Is there a record for the number of sheep fucked in eight hours?) But for a lot of these "records" the perpetrators are clearly mentally ill. Take the Italian bloke who typed sixty four books backwards. Why? What the fuck possesses someone to type even one book backwards? Isn't this is documented in some psychologists' handbook somewhere as a classic obsessive/compulsive disorder?
"Hi, honey, I'm home. What did you do today?"
"I typed forty pages of War and Peace backwards."
"Oh terrific. You must be very proud. Would you like some more medication now? Or a lie down?"
Which brings us back to seat-sitting man. He apparently got the itch for this sort of thing twenty years ago after sitting in all 107,501 seats at the University of Michigan's football stadium. I imagine he's spent the intervening two decades persuading some institution somewhere that it was safe to let him out again, a decision that they'll no doubt be rethinking today. The kind of uncontrollable desire that would drive a person to want to sit in all of 107,501 seats can only be textbook severe OCD. Don't give him a world record, give him some drugs. And a securely padded room.
The appeal of the Guinness Book Of Records is clearly that it is something anyone can aspire to join. No special talent is required; this is smart from a business perspective. It's the same reason those funny video shows always give the prizes to really shit, unfunny videos - they want the plebs to know that they can win too, so they'll send their own crappy videos in, No-one would bother if the prize always went to a hilarious but rare shot of someone getting butted in the groin by a gigantic goat which then pisses on his prostrate body.
Anyway, feel free to get your name in the book. Shove a lot of cocktail sticks up your arse, or something. Just bear in mind that you're putting your name down in a list of certified "weird, mentally ill or worryingly disordered" people, which can hardly be regarded as a recommendation, so best leave that entry off your resume...
Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison
Who the fuck cares? It's not as though this twat achieved anything that any other person couldn't have done, had they been inclined to show up at an empty stadium and sit down a lot. I suppose I can understand the desire of some people to keep track of athletic records, such as fastest 100 meters, or sports records, like the number of home runs in a season (now discredited by steroid abusing cheats) or touchdown passes in a game. Then there's all those records that fall into the category of "I know not everyone could do that but I'm not sure why anyone would want to". How about "Most Ferrero Rocher chocolates eaten in a minute"? Yes, seriously. Are there categories for every major confectionery product? Then there's "Most cockroaches eaten" (36 in a minute, apparently) and "Faetest run 100 meters, barefoot on ice".
This is all bollocks, isn't it? It's not so much a collection of meaningful records as a freak show of weird and mentally diseased people, and all the bizarre things they choose to do, presumably to gain attention, although possibly in some cases as a symptom of some deep psychological disorder.
Bear in mind that there must have to be some Guinness Records represenative on hand for these events. How does that work then? Do you just pick up an economy pack of live cockroaches and call them up to make an appointment? Imagine what a shit job that must be.
"We've got a great assignment for you this week, Smith. We want you to go to Pasadena and spend 48 hours watching some dumbass sitting in lots and lots of identical seats. Oh, and you have to count how many times he does it. Why? Who the fuck knows why, Smith. It's your goddam job. We're in the records business and this dumb son of a bitch is going to set a record, so get your bony ass down to Pasadena and count some goddam plastic seats. Jesus, you'll be telling me next you don't want to count how many cockroaches a guy can eat."
Let's face it, the guy who can shear fifty sheep in eight hours probably earned a bit of respect in the sheep-shearing community. (Is there a record for the number of sheep fucked in eight hours?) But for a lot of these "records" the perpetrators are clearly mentally ill. Take the Italian bloke who typed sixty four books backwards. Why? What the fuck possesses someone to type even one book backwards? Isn't this is documented in some psychologists' handbook somewhere as a classic obsessive/compulsive disorder?
"Hi, honey, I'm home. What did you do today?"
"I typed forty pages of War and Peace backwards."
"Oh terrific. You must be very proud. Would you like some more medication now? Or a lie down?"
Which brings us back to seat-sitting man. He apparently got the itch for this sort of thing twenty years ago after sitting in all 107,501 seats at the University of Michigan's football stadium. I imagine he's spent the intervening two decades persuading some institution somewhere that it was safe to let him out again, a decision that they'll no doubt be rethinking today. The kind of uncontrollable desire that would drive a person to want to sit in all of 107,501 seats can only be textbook severe OCD. Don't give him a world record, give him some drugs. And a securely padded room.
The appeal of the Guinness Book Of Records is clearly that it is something anyone can aspire to join. No special talent is required; this is smart from a business perspective. It's the same reason those funny video shows always give the prizes to really shit, unfunny videos - they want the plebs to know that they can win too, so they'll send their own crappy videos in, No-one would bother if the prize always went to a hilarious but rare shot of someone getting butted in the groin by a gigantic goat which then pisses on his prostrate body.
Anyway, feel free to get your name in the book. Shove a lot of cocktail sticks up your arse, or something. Just bear in mind that you're putting your name down in a list of certified "weird, mentally ill or worryingly disordered" people, which can hardly be regarded as a recommendation, so best leave that entry off your resume...
Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison
posted by Mr Bison at
12:26 PM
3 Comments:
You're right, they're just attention seekers.
I think records should only be available for normal everyday things, like fastest runner and highest jumper etc, not the stupid time wasting shit.
is there a guiness record for reading bison archives?
reminded me of ben elton's rant about adverts where they always make the main character "a litle bit ugly" so that the plebs relate to them and rush out to buy the product.
wish we still had ben elton, kenny everitt, spittin image to watch...
keep bisoning
I might hold the record of most time spent doing nothing but sit in front of a computer.
It's been 10 years, 5 months, 2 weeks, 5 days, 18 hours and 24 minutes.
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