Captain Bailout

So the whole country is on the edge of its seat, waiting to see if the credit crisis can be averted by an $800 billion government sponsored bailout. Well, I say "the whole country" but let's face it, half the population can't even spell "bailout" and wouldn't notice a financial market meltdown unless it disrupted their retarded viewing of "Deal Or No Deal". It's fascinating that we have become so accustomed to being able to look to someone else to bail us out of all of our problems that even the government seems to believe that Captain Bailout is out there, ready to come to our assistance every time we screw up.

A tropical storm hits the coast and, to everyone's surprise, people with houses built below sea level experience flooding. No insurance? No problem! Why bother to buy flood insurance when Captain Bailout can be relied upon to buy you a new house? And new furniture, to replace all that crap you had before. We get heavy rain in St.Louis and some houses flood. No insurance? Just wait for the city or the sewer district to buy you out - no need to take precautions or exercise prudence.

You borrow money you don't have, at interest rates you can't afford, to buy a house that you don't deserve, and you run out of money. It's not your fault - it's never your fault. It must be the evil lenders who forced you to sign the loan documents. Let's call Captain Bailout so you don't have to repay your debt and you can stay in your (unearned) house, at someone else's expense.

You didn't pay attention at school. Instead you bummed around and skipped out to shoplift at the mall. On no! No-one will give you a job. Well it's not your fault - you must be the victim of unfair trade practices in China, or racial discrimination, or lack of investment in training. It can't possibly be because you're a lazy, useless, untrustworthy minor criminal. Let's call Captain Bailout and get you a "stimulus rebate" from taxes you never paid in the first place so you can buy more cigarettes and beer. You have eight kids by six different fathers? You're a "victim" of an "unjust society" and other people must be made to "support you". Call Captain Bailout so you can feed your colossal fat arse and watch daytime TV without ever having to get a job.

You work at an American car company. Your union has bled the company dry for decades with inflated wage and benefit demands, extorting ridiculous concessions from companies that can't afford to say no. Now your employer is close to bankruptcy because other car companies can make cars just as good for thousands less. They don't have legions of retirees on gold-plated, feather-bed packages to keep in Chitos and beer for thirty years. No! This can't be right! Call Captain Bailout and get a $25 billion loan guarantee package from the taxpayer so we can "protect American jobs". Why should you have to suffer the effects of your actions?

You drove your SUV home while drunk, ran off the road and rolled it. Now you're in a wheelchair. It's all the fault of the car company! Let's call Captain Bailout and his ambulance-chasing cockmunch attorney so they can get you $20 million from the automaker. It's not your fault you were driving while drunk - SUVs should be bullet-proof, right? And tree-proof too. Didn't fasten your seatbelt? Not your fault - Captain Bailout will make someone else pay.

People enter this world with options and choices. They raise their kids with the opportunity to teach them common sense and good judgment, or to let them fuck around and leech off other people. It seems that every time people fuck up it's expected that someone else will pay to protect them from the consequences of their actions. Bullshit! There are plenty of unfortunate deserving cases but they're buried in a seethig mass of lazy wasters who made bad choices and now want someone else to bail them out. Poor lazy wasters who didn't bother to finish school and rich greedy dickheads who lent money to people with no income and were someohow amazed when they didn't pay it back.

No worries. There's always the rest of us to pick up the tab. We can be taxed so that other poeple can have their mistakes fixed. Right up until we figure out that in Obama's socialist state you're better off not working and just collecting. Yeah, time to get Captain Bailout on speed-dial.


Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison