It's The Law
As we each proceed on our personal journey through life it is certain that we will learn things, mainly by making mistakes that have been made millions of times already by other people. This is called "experience", and its benefits are hard to pass on, partly because no-one listens to advice, and partly because it's stupid to take advice from people who've already clearly made so many mistakes. Nevertheless there are certain immutable laws of life that emerge from collective experience. Most of them are dull, and relate to things like work, money and family. Here, however, are some observations more related to what men spend 90% of their time thinking about:
Stockhausen's Law
"Women can be too thin."
My old mate Stockhausen observed that although thin women can be nice to look at, they are generally a lot less fun to fuck than chunky women. In my experience most men would probably admit this, even while many adorn themselves with women who look like they've been on the "Sudan Diet", with ribcages like a xylophone. Men like women with a bit of meat on. This doesn't mean we're all secretly yearning for a 600lb fatty monster - it's one thing to appreciate the additional comfort and pleasure afforded by a full-figured woman but I'm sure it's quite another to fumble around looking for an "in" hole that would require a GPS to accurately locate.
Peter's Law
"In the internet dating game, divorced women over 35 are all fucked up."
This law, assiduously researched and demonstrated to a high degree of statistical significance by another mate, holds that when you are dating a divorcee over 35 the question is not whether she has "issues" but merely which issues she has. Apparently the percentage of women in the St.Louis area in this category who are on anti-depressants is staggeringly large. (Whether that's a result of the prior relationship or more symptomatic of living in St.Louis is another question, of course.) When you're fishing in this pond you find yourself looking for the "issue", and if it's not an obvious one you really can't relax until you figure out what it is. You just hope it's nothing involving drugs, theft or sharp implements...
Charlie's Law
"A really good shit is almost as good as sex."
I can't say I subscribe to this one - either Charlie never figured out how to do sex right or I've been taking a dump wrong all these years. Maybe his observation was a result of not observing Stockhausen's Law...
Darren's Law
"Your chances of meeting a woman you really want to impress increase exponentially according to the embarrassing nature of your situation at the time."
Darren was a mate at university who had a habit of going out and getting drunk on purple nasties on a regular (and increasingly frequent) basis. This may have explained his inability to actually obtain any kind of degree, or (in his third year) attend a single, solitary lecture. Darren also used to throw up quite often at some point in the evening and no matter how careful he thought he was he'd usually get some puke on his trousers. Seeing as he was drinking purple nasties the puke was invariably purple. He would then run into some girl he wanted to impress, and talk to her for fifteen minutes, believing he was making good progress. The next morning he'd wake up and realise he'd been covered in purple vomit the whole time and the girl in question would avoid him like the plague from then on. This is the same Law that dictates when you're a kid that the girl in your class who you fancy will see you at the shops buying shoes with your mum and not hanging around by the swings in the park, smoking a cigarette and looking cool. Life's a bitch like that.
Jim's Law
"Cheat with married women - they have as much to lose as you."
This is a good one to remember if your're not attempting to audition the next wife but just looking for some extra-curricular activity. Single women are typically looking for Mr.Right. Even when they say they aren't (even when they believe they aren't) they mostly are. The fact that they are with you means that you are prey, and she will be a lot less careful about not getting you caught as a result. She may even actively try and expose your relationship in order to drive away your wife and free you up for your future life together. Careless phone calls, e-mail messages and panties in your glovebox, for instance. Married women, by contrast, will be as keen as you to keep the lipstick off your collar, and the spooge off their skirt.
Paul's Law
"If you're going to cheat, try and pick a woman with the same hair color and length as your wife."
This should be obvious. Stray blonde hairs on your jacket are a lot easier to explain if your wife is blonde. Likewise a two foot brunette hair isn't likely to have come from your wife if she has her hair in a four inch bob. You can ignore this Law if so inclined, but as Paul says, "Hair gets fucking everywhere - you have to recognize that."
Marc's Law
"When you're on the pull, go out with a mate who has different taste to you."
Women are like free radicals (chemistry reference, look it up dumbass) - they do not exist in the solitary state in nature, except on a very temporary basis. Quite often they exist in the diamer state (i.e. pairs). If you and your buddy both like the same thing you are almost certainly going to compete for the "attractive" one of the pair. However, if you like "natural brunette with curves" and he likes "skinny blonde with plastic tits" you might find a pairing that works for you. At the very least if you find a girl you like he'll be a good wingman and not be trying to hit the same target.
Bapi's Law
"When dancing with girls in Malaysia, look closely at the hands."
This applies equally in Singapore and Thailand, obviously: some of the women aren't. You might think you wouldn't be fooled by some bloke in a dress, but in countries where the women are slim-hipped and the men are hairless it doesnt take nearly as much effort to disguise the goods. Bapi danced with that "girl" for a good fifteen minutes; we would have warned him, but, well, it wouldn't have been as funny. Another bloke I knew had this theory that if you couldn't tell, it didn't matter, but as far as the rest of us were concerned it mattered a lot. Plus, not all are post-op, and unless you want to have your own personal "Crying Game" moment, pay attention to large hands.
I know this is but a small selection of learnings from friends over the years - feel free to add to the wisdom. You never know how many men you might help.
Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison
Stockhausen's Law
"Women can be too thin."
My old mate Stockhausen observed that although thin women can be nice to look at, they are generally a lot less fun to fuck than chunky women. In my experience most men would probably admit this, even while many adorn themselves with women who look like they've been on the "Sudan Diet", with ribcages like a xylophone. Men like women with a bit of meat on. This doesn't mean we're all secretly yearning for a 600lb fatty monster - it's one thing to appreciate the additional comfort and pleasure afforded by a full-figured woman but I'm sure it's quite another to fumble around looking for an "in" hole that would require a GPS to accurately locate.
Peter's Law
"In the internet dating game, divorced women over 35 are all fucked up."
This law, assiduously researched and demonstrated to a high degree of statistical significance by another mate, holds that when you are dating a divorcee over 35 the question is not whether she has "issues" but merely which issues she has. Apparently the percentage of women in the St.Louis area in this category who are on anti-depressants is staggeringly large. (Whether that's a result of the prior relationship or more symptomatic of living in St.Louis is another question, of course.) When you're fishing in this pond you find yourself looking for the "issue", and if it's not an obvious one you really can't relax until you figure out what it is. You just hope it's nothing involving drugs, theft or sharp implements...
Charlie's Law
"A really good shit is almost as good as sex."
I can't say I subscribe to this one - either Charlie never figured out how to do sex right or I've been taking a dump wrong all these years. Maybe his observation was a result of not observing Stockhausen's Law...
Darren's Law
"Your chances of meeting a woman you really want to impress increase exponentially according to the embarrassing nature of your situation at the time."
Darren was a mate at university who had a habit of going out and getting drunk on purple nasties on a regular (and increasingly frequent) basis. This may have explained his inability to actually obtain any kind of degree, or (in his third year) attend a single, solitary lecture. Darren also used to throw up quite often at some point in the evening and no matter how careful he thought he was he'd usually get some puke on his trousers. Seeing as he was drinking purple nasties the puke was invariably purple. He would then run into some girl he wanted to impress, and talk to her for fifteen minutes, believing he was making good progress. The next morning he'd wake up and realise he'd been covered in purple vomit the whole time and the girl in question would avoid him like the plague from then on. This is the same Law that dictates when you're a kid that the girl in your class who you fancy will see you at the shops buying shoes with your mum and not hanging around by the swings in the park, smoking a cigarette and looking cool. Life's a bitch like that.
Jim's Law
"Cheat with married women - they have as much to lose as you."
This is a good one to remember if your're not attempting to audition the next wife but just looking for some extra-curricular activity. Single women are typically looking for Mr.Right. Even when they say they aren't (even when they believe they aren't) they mostly are. The fact that they are with you means that you are prey, and she will be a lot less careful about not getting you caught as a result. She may even actively try and expose your relationship in order to drive away your wife and free you up for your future life together. Careless phone calls, e-mail messages and panties in your glovebox, for instance. Married women, by contrast, will be as keen as you to keep the lipstick off your collar, and the spooge off their skirt.
Paul's Law
"If you're going to cheat, try and pick a woman with the same hair color and length as your wife."
This should be obvious. Stray blonde hairs on your jacket are a lot easier to explain if your wife is blonde. Likewise a two foot brunette hair isn't likely to have come from your wife if she has her hair in a four inch bob. You can ignore this Law if so inclined, but as Paul says, "Hair gets fucking everywhere - you have to recognize that."
Marc's Law
"When you're on the pull, go out with a mate who has different taste to you."
Women are like free radicals (chemistry reference, look it up dumbass) - they do not exist in the solitary state in nature, except on a very temporary basis. Quite often they exist in the diamer state (i.e. pairs). If you and your buddy both like the same thing you are almost certainly going to compete for the "attractive" one of the pair. However, if you like "natural brunette with curves" and he likes "skinny blonde with plastic tits" you might find a pairing that works for you. At the very least if you find a girl you like he'll be a good wingman and not be trying to hit the same target.
Bapi's Law
"When dancing with girls in Malaysia, look closely at the hands."
This applies equally in Singapore and Thailand, obviously: some of the women aren't. You might think you wouldn't be fooled by some bloke in a dress, but in countries where the women are slim-hipped and the men are hairless it doesnt take nearly as much effort to disguise the goods. Bapi danced with that "girl" for a good fifteen minutes; we would have warned him, but, well, it wouldn't have been as funny. Another bloke I knew had this theory that if you couldn't tell, it didn't matter, but as far as the rest of us were concerned it mattered a lot. Plus, not all are post-op, and unless you want to have your own personal "Crying Game" moment, pay attention to large hands.
I know this is but a small selection of learnings from friends over the years - feel free to add to the wisdom. You never know how many men you might help.
Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison
posted by Mr Bison at
7:07 AM
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