Road Trip
It's Spring Break here in St.Louis so, contrary to normal practice, we decided actually to go away for a few days. Since I'd rather stick pins in my gonads than pay to be treated like shit by an airline, we set off by car for Big Cedar Lodge, down in Southern Missouri by Table Rock Lake. This is about a four hour drive from St.Louis, providing the opportunity to experience the very best of highway-side Missouri entertainment along the way.
I have to assume that the places dotted along the highway are examples of what is known as "small town America", albeit somewhat corrupted by the influence of so many passing travelers just begging to be separated from their dollars. It must be interesting to live there - it's not at all clear what you'd do by way of entertainment, unless you have an inclination to junk food, fireworks or pornography, because that's all you see along the road.
One of the large signs proclaimed "The World's Biggest Rocking Chair" was nearby, begging the question "Who gives a shit?".
One of the great benefits of I-44 is that you have plenty of gigantic billboards to help ensure that you don't miss any of the fine roadside establishments that grace the highway. On the way down we were still two hours out of Branson when we began to be bombarded with invitations to stop off for Branson coupons, or to see the big-name tacky shows that infest this otherwise meaningless town. Of course there are also many artery-hardening junk food emporia peddling their greasy wares, but by far the most entertaining signs are those advertising "ADULT STORES". The signs are invariably large and yellow, whereas the stores themselves appear small and seedy, although judging by the number of cars parked outside they weren't hurting for business, even before midday. Isn't there some sort of basic principle of decency that you shouldn't hit the scud mag store before lunch? It's like drinking - perfectly understandable if you do it in the evening, but if it's the first thing on your mind when you get out of bed then you've probably got a problem. The exotic dancers at the place next to Big Louie's apparently start at 11am, in case you're interested...
My favorite store sign was the one for what I believe was called the Lions Den establishment just outide Waynesville. It apparently offers a new video arcade, which cannot help but to conjure up images of people tugging themselves off in little cubicles. No-one watches porn unless they plan to "take Captain Picard to warp speed" do they? Can these people really not wait until they get home to rub one out? Or maybe they can't take the porn home in case the missus finds it, in which case this is less of a porn shop and more like a porn library. (Silence please!)
Anyway, this store was almost next door to the Grace Covenant Christian Center, which seems like unfortunate planning on someone's part. Maybe the Lions Den name was an oblique biblical reference, although I don't recall Daniel pulling his pud when he was thrown in with the big cats. What really got my attention was the giant bowling pin eight in front of the Adult Store sign. Maybe there was also a bowling alley nearby, but it just seemed to me like they couldn't quite get planning consent for a huge pink dildo to advertise their store, and consequently had to make do with a bowling pin.
In between the Christian Center and the Porn Warehouse was McDonalds. Now we know they don't site their stores by accident - they pay great attention to traffic patterns; clearly plenty of people frequent the video arcade. Or perhaps they just have an outlet for all the man-mess generated. What's that funny sauce they put on the Fillet O Fish called again?
Copyright © 2009 Edward Bison
I have to assume that the places dotted along the highway are examples of what is known as "small town America", albeit somewhat corrupted by the influence of so many passing travelers just begging to be separated from their dollars. It must be interesting to live there - it's not at all clear what you'd do by way of entertainment, unless you have an inclination to junk food, fireworks or pornography, because that's all you see along the road.
One of the large signs proclaimed "The World's Biggest Rocking Chair" was nearby, begging the question "Who gives a shit?".
One of the great benefits of I-44 is that you have plenty of gigantic billboards to help ensure that you don't miss any of the fine roadside establishments that grace the highway. On the way down we were still two hours out of Branson when we began to be bombarded with invitations to stop off for Branson coupons, or to see the big-name tacky shows that infest this otherwise meaningless town. Of course there are also many artery-hardening junk food emporia peddling their greasy wares, but by far the most entertaining signs are those advertising "ADULT STORES". The signs are invariably large and yellow, whereas the stores themselves appear small and seedy, although judging by the number of cars parked outside they weren't hurting for business, even before midday. Isn't there some sort of basic principle of decency that you shouldn't hit the scud mag store before lunch? It's like drinking - perfectly understandable if you do it in the evening, but if it's the first thing on your mind when you get out of bed then you've probably got a problem. The exotic dancers at the place next to Big Louie's apparently start at 11am, in case you're interested...
My favorite store sign was the one for what I believe was called the Lions Den establishment just outide Waynesville. It apparently offers a new video arcade, which cannot help but to conjure up images of people tugging themselves off in little cubicles. No-one watches porn unless they plan to "take Captain Picard to warp speed" do they? Can these people really not wait until they get home to rub one out? Or maybe they can't take the porn home in case the missus finds it, in which case this is less of a porn shop and more like a porn library. (Silence please!)
Anyway, this store was almost next door to the Grace Covenant Christian Center, which seems like unfortunate planning on someone's part. Maybe the Lions Den name was an oblique biblical reference, although I don't recall Daniel pulling his pud when he was thrown in with the big cats. What really got my attention was the giant bowling pin eight in front of the Adult Store sign. Maybe there was also a bowling alley nearby, but it just seemed to me like they couldn't quite get planning consent for a huge pink dildo to advertise their store, and consequently had to make do with a bowling pin.
In between the Christian Center and the Porn Warehouse was McDonalds. Now we know they don't site their stores by accident - they pay great attention to traffic patterns; clearly plenty of people frequent the video arcade. Or perhaps they just have an outlet for all the man-mess generated. What's that funny sauce they put on the Fillet O Fish called again?
Copyright © 2009 Edward Bison
posted by Mr Bison at
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