I'm All Better Now, Honest

Got a stubborn stain that you need to remove? Tried everything but without success? You need "Sports Fame", the product that's guaranteed to remove any stain from your character, instantly. I know, it sounds too good to be true, but you don't have to take my word for it, just ask any one of our satisfied customers - people who have committed violent, abhorrent or criminal acts and whose characters have been washed clean with the simple application of some Sports Fame.

Take Leonard Little, the St.Louis Rams defensive end - he killed a woman while driving drunk, but thanks to Sports Fame he miraculously avoided serious punishment and was soon back to being cheered as a hero by jerks across the city.

Now, thanks to groundbreaking research, we are pleased to introduce new Sports Fame Plus, offering even faster rehabilitation, with no stubborn lingering character stains. Just ask our spokesperson, Michael Vick. Thanks to Sports Fame Plus he's gone from being an animal-torturing, bankrupt criminal to a cuddly, lovable TV star almost overnight. In fact Black Entertainment Television is now filming an eight-part miniseries about Michael, his fall from grace and his wonderful redemption and transformation into a Humane Society supporting, family-loving role model.

Excuse me a moment while I puke. Hands up if you're stupid enough to fall for Vick's "I'm so sorry - I'm a new man now, just pass me a puppy to pet" act. As a spoiled football player he was raking in millions for running around with a ball in his hand, but he chose to play "Big Man In The Hood" and run a dog-fighting ring with a bunch of low-grade scum. Having been caught he was faced with a simple choice - fade into penniless obscurity as a hated moron with no useful career skills, or kiss as much public ass as possible in the hope of getting reinstated and raking in more millions. Which one did he choose? Let me think about that for a minute...

I can't believe the animal rights brigade actually bought his bullshit. You conduct experiments on animals in the hope of finding a cure for ALS and you'll get your house firebombed, but torture dogs to death as part of some ghetto fun-time amusement and it's all "Wow, good old Michael, hasn't he changed!"

Poor old Phillip Garrido. Yes, I know he kidnapped a young girl, repeatedly raped her and fathered two children with her, keeping her trapped in back-yard squalor, but his big mistake, clearly, was not choosing a career in football. If he had he'd be on Oprah, apologizing for having let down the fans, and hoping for the league to reinstate him, prior to publishing a book. Obviously BET wouldn't be interested in televising his story because he isn't black, but I'm sure he'd find someone.

Just goes to show - a normal person commits a vile act and they can expect to be ostracized and vilified, but a sports personality (or any other famous person, come to that) does it and they're to be "understood, rehabilitated and given another chance".

So, good news for Roman Polanski then. Who'd have thought that drugging, raping and sodomizing a 13 year-old girl, and then running away before sentencing, would have the film and arts world rallying around you as a "victim" of malicious prosecution? Maybe Phillip Garrido should have been a Hollywood film director. They were right in school when they told us how important our career choices could be for us later in life...


Copyright © 2009 Edward Bisom