Magic Dog Anus

We have these two parakeets as pets, and they get to fly around the house for a while every day. Well, I say "around the house" but in reality they mostly stay along one side, close to the windows. Fortunately this makes it easier when it comes time to pick up their shit. I was consoling myself this morning, as I scraped a small splodge of parakeet crap off the window sill, that, surely, other types of pet would be just as likely to deposit their shit in the house. Wouldn't they?

If I think back to my childhood days, and dog ownership, it's certainly the case that 99% of the time the dog crapped out in the garden. But, and here's the important point, on the rare occasions that it dropped its load in the house, the volume of crap would be more than you could squeeze from a parakeet in several years. Admittedly we didn't have the problem of having to pick up the shit when we took the dog for a walk because, as I said, the dog crapped in the garden, but it wasn't such a large garden that you could ignore the faeces and you would soon get to the point where you didn't so much walk in the garden as mince around it, picking your way between little piles of excrement in various stages of hardening. At that point someone (let's be honest, it was almost always my mum) would carry the shit by the shovel load into the house and flush it down the bog.

The major problem with this endeavor was that the shovel was made of flattish metal and the dog shit was sort of cylindrical, coming as it did from what I assume was a round-shaped dog's arsehole. Cylindrical things tend to roll off flat surfaces, especially if the things in question have been drying nicely for a couple of weeks in the sun, so it would be fair to say there was probably more shit distributed around the house that way. Oh, and the bog was at the front of the house, so the shovel-loads of shit would have to go through the kitchen, out into the carpeted hallway, past the front door and into the bog.

This led to the minor problem associated with the exercise, namely that at any point someone could ring the doorbell. You couldn't pretend not to be in, or walk away, because the door was one of those wonderful frosted glass things (that seemed like such a good idea before the UK government decided that we didn't want to lock up burglars any more), so you'd be standing there, frozen in mid-stride, a shovel full of shit in your hands, pondering your next move. Even if you managed to get the load down the bog, flush quickly and hide the shovel behind the door, you'd still greet the visitor upon opening with the sound of the toilet refilling and a deep and pervasive smell of dog excrement. I don't know what people thought, but they probably assumed we lived on a diet of Pedigree Chum. ("Jesus, did you smell that? What do those people eat?"

So I did indeed conclude that a few parakeet turds around the house still put me ahead of the average dog owner, especially as dogs tend to shit in the house when they ate something that disagreed with them, and then you're not talking turds but lakes of brown sauce. And forget cats - any animal that requires you to have a tray of its leavings permanently on display in your house can fuck right off as far as I'm concerned.

I also considered the issue of dogs, having just deposited a massive squelchy load on the sidewalk, now climbing up on the furniture, or even your bed, or dragging their claggy arses over the shagpile. But to be fair dogs seem to have these magic arseholes that close with no "debris", and that got me wondering how our great Creator managed to fuck up the design on us.

I mean, let's face it, we are kind of the top-of-the-line model when it comes to land-mammals. Dextrous, intelligent, reasoning, with all sorts of fancy capabilities, but He didn't give us the magic self-cleaning arsehole that he fitted on dogs! And, by the way, on just about every other mammal, as far as I can tell. When I buy a high-end S Class Mercedes (we're talking figuratively here) I expect to find all the bells and whistles that you'd find on the C Class, and probably a few more. I don't expect to find that a really useful feature which is present on just about every other vehicle on the road is absent from mine.

We are the S-Class of the mammalian world, but we have an exhaust mechanism from the dark ages that seriously needs updating. You doubt me? Then why does the toilet paper industry exist? Why can't we just drop the kids off at the pool like any other mammal and simply walk away? Fido can dump on the pavement and jump right on your bed but you try not wiping and you can forget all about those white undergarments, sunshine.

Sure, I fully understand why we were not given the capability of licking our own genitalia like dogs can; a lot of people would probably never leave the house otherwise. But I don't see any reason why we wouldn't benefit from the magic dog anus. All I can think is that the lobbyists for Charmin, Cottonelle and Scott are operating at a much higher level than we realized...


Copyright © 2009 Edward Bison

Mid-Year Exam: Racism 101

Before you begin, please fill in your name, school name and ethnicity on the front of your answer booklet. When instructed to do so you may begin to read and answer the questions below. Only write in the spaces provided in the answer booklet. In order to receive full credit it is necessary to show all working. The duration of the examination is one hour, after which you will be instructed to put down your pencil while the answer booklets are collected. [Please note that students of Caucasian/White ethnicity will receive a "Fail" grade regardless of answers.]

QUESTION 1

The President of the United States is called a liar by a member of the opposing party in Congress, because he claims that his health coverage proposal would not cover illegal immigrants while knowing full well that there is absolutely nothing in the bill that could be used to prevent illegal immigrants gaining access (thus allowing him to appear to be "tough" on this issue while doing nothing to offend his liberal supporters). The previous President spent eight years being vilified by Democrats and accused of everything from war crimes to stupidity. Nevertheless it has been suggested that any criticism of the current President must be proof of continuing racism. This is obviously true. Discuss.

QUESTION 2

A white teenager in Belleville is beaten by black teenagers on a crowded school bus as he tries to sit next to one of them. He is beaten once, offers no resistance, and is subsequently taunted and beaten again. Other black teenagers cheer the attack and photograph it with their cell phones. The whole episode is recorded on the BUS VIDEO. The police ask the perpetrators if this was a racist attack and they said it wasn't so obviously that must be true. Plus they're black and the victim was white so it can't be racist can it? Discuss.

QUESTION 3

If a bunch of white Belleville students attacked a black student for sitting next to them on a bus then the attack would definitely be racist. Al Sharpton should immediately organize a march, the school should be picketed, and the parents of the victim should sue the school district for violating their child's civil rights. It's clearly the right thing to do. Discuss.

QUESTION 4

When a black person alleges assault by a white person it's very important to assume from the outset that the white person is guilty and to proceed on that basis, regardless of the facts, or of any regard for due process. Discuss, with special reference to the Tawana Brawley and Duke Lacrosse incidents, which were both clear incidences of the facts interfering with racial justice. [Note that any discussion of the ironic similarity between past lynching of blacks based on a presumption of guilt and the current "media lynching" of white suspects will result in marks being deducted.]

QUESTION 5

There is a clear hierarchy of race in the racism arena. Black or "African-American" people are assumed to be victims of racism but never perpetrators. Those of Hispanic origin can be victims of racism, unless the perpetrators are themselves black, in which case tough luck. People of South Asian ethnicity are not entitled to be viewed as victims of racism except when the perpetrators are white; in all other cases they should themselves be viewed as "white", especially when their grocery stores are being smashed and looted. The same applies to people from the Indian subcontinent, who cannot be victims of racism except by whites, since you're all computer programmers and doctors. Discuss.


This concludes your Racism 101 Examination. If you finish early you may leave your answer booklet on the table and file quietly out of the room. White students last.


Copyright © 2009 Edward Bison

Drinking At The Y

It's always enlightening, and not a little depressing, to see where the government spends some of the money it confiscates from the working population through taxes. It's been said that the problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people's money, but governments, be they in the UK or US, spend other people's cash like it grows on trees.

Problem number one is waste - governments just don't work hard to eliminate waste because if they run out of money they can always increase taxes. There's subway line in Boston which is "forced" by outdated union practices to employ two drivers on each train, while every other Boston line, and just about every subway line in the world, uses only one. The Boston Globe has estimated that the second, utterly unnecessary driver costs the government $30 million every year. It's pathetic that they keep coming back and putting their hands in our pockets when they don't even have the decency to run a competent administration.

What is even more galling, however, is problem number two - stupid spending. Today's case-in-point is a report that the National Institutes of Health has awarded $3 million to the University of Illinois in Chicago to identify the things that cause lesbians to drink alcohol. Newswise has reported:

The University of Illinois at Chicago College of Nursing has received a $3 million federal grant to continue research to identify risk factors for excessive drinking among lesbians.

The five-year study, led by Tonda Hughes, professor of health systems science, will examine how stressful experiences -- childhood sexual abuse, adult sexual assault and discrimination based on ethnicity or sexual orientation -- are related to psychological harm and hazardous drinking in adult women.

Data will be collected from a diverse sample of 384 adult lesbians in the Chicago area who were previously interviewed by Hughes and her research team in 2000 and 2004. Another 250 new subjects -- who are 18 to 25 years old and of African-American and Hispanic descent -- will also be interviewed.

The grant is funded by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, one of the National Institutes of Health.

Here we are, arguing about how to pay for a massive overhaul of health spending in the US, and the government is throwing money away, millions of taxpayers' dollars, on utterly worthless, politically correct bullshit "research". A bunch of workshy, job-dodging post-graduate researchers will no doubt spend the next five years living off the government teat while they ask a bunch of minge-guzzlers why they drink so much. Note the reference to two previous studies, presumably also funded by the public purse. This "professor" has already, according to the report, spent the last 20 years working on "lesbian health issues". You couldn't make this shit up.

Never mind that $3 million could instead be spent dealing with some of the very real, and very treatable health issues in the US. Or, failing that, that it could be returned to the poor bastards who had it confiscated from their pay packets (including me, thank you very much). No, let's instead spend it on some research with the vague purpose of gaining "...a much more realistic picture of the patterns and variability of lesbians' drinking, and to provide information for developing alcohol abuse prevention and early intervention strategies." This, in spite of the researchers' having found that lesbians who drink do so at levels similar to those of heterosexual women. This is therefore money wasted investigating a problem that doesn't even exist, and which, if it did, would be a self-inflicted disorder, not a genuine health issue.

We'll never solve the health crisis in this country as long as crap like this is considered a priority, or a "reasonable" use of other people's money. This is bullshit.

Of course, I'd be happy to take the $3 million myself, and I'd be prepared to advance a hypothesis that would be at least as credible as anything this team could come up with. It didn't take me five years, either; just five minutes in fact:

Q: Why do lesbians drink alcohol?
A: To take away the taste.

Problem solved - just send me the check...


Copyright © 2009 Edward Bison

Hands-Off Banking

In spite of the fact that I live in the US, I've found that it's useful to maintain a bank account in the UK for occasional transactions in local currency. It was almost impossible to get an account without a UK address, ostensibly because of regulations and policies introduced to prevent money movements by terrorists; nevertheless I do have an account, with one of the major high street banks.

Said bank chose to send me, presumably in ironic celebration of the anniversary of 9/11, an updated schedule of the charges for various bank accounts. (Everyone knows that since banks lost a shitload of money "lending" to penniless deadbeats with no possible means of repayment, they now have to fuck their regular, paying customers in the arse with a slew of increased charges in order to cover their deficits.)

I couldn't help noticing, in amongst the various fee-bearing accounts, that you can now get special FREE Islamic bank accounts:

"No interest paid or received (in accordance with Shariah law) and this means no planned overdraft possible. Money managed in a Shariah way."

I'm sorry? Did I read that right? Is this what we've now come to in the civilized world? Pandering to this miserable religion and giving out free banking to muslims so as not to offend their petty sensibilities? "No, I'm sorry Mr Christian Person. You're out of luck Ms Atheist. No special favors for you. Not until you start bombing people and marching in the street can you expect special accounts from our bank. Oh, and by the way, there'll be no eating by staff on the premises during the month of Ramadan, just in case the sight of it offends any of our more, shall we say, militant customers."

Can vegans now expect special accounts administered in a meatless environment? Can Buddhists have banks which guarantee to harm no living creatures in their offices? Where does it end?

And what the fuck does "managed in a Shariah way" mean? I don't claim to be any kind of authority on Shariah law but it does seem to involve an awful lot of disenfranchising women and wearing pyjamas during the day. Do you get a free prayer mat when you open an account? Does the woman behind the counter have to wear a veil? Whatever you do, don't be tempted to steal the pen from the counter at the bank - they'll probably cut your fucking hand off.

And all this on another day when "right wing" marchers in the UK, protesting the destruction of the nation by uncontrolled immigration, are attacked by thousands of muslims who care nothing for the history or culture of their "adopted" country, and proceed to attack the police for having the temerity to defend some tiny measure of free speech. (Notice how the left, in all its forms, is all in favor of protests, marches and demonstrations right up until the point where someone wants to express a view they don't agree with. Then they violently attack them.)

As Neville Chamberlain memorably demonstrated, appeasement doesn't get you anything. And this just smacks of the worst kind of tokenism in the face of a dangerous religious movement. Kind of like marking Hitler's invasion of Poland by offering special Nazi accounts for German immigrants "managed in an Arian way". I think not...


Copyright © 2009 Edward Bison

The American Bison

I recently took the final step in a process that commenced more than 12 years ago: I became a US citizen. I didn't need to take this last step - as a permanent resident I could have continued to work and live here indefinitely. No, this was a definite choice.

The ceremony itself is a very tasteful event at a federal courthouse, and I can honestly say that I was proud to become a US citizen. That's now my flag, and my country, in a way that isn't quite the case when you're just a permanent resident. There were about fifty of us going through the process, and most were from Eastern Europe and India. In fact, with the exception of one person from Japan, there was no-one else who originated from what I'd call a "top tier" developed democracy.

While we waited in line to hand in our green cards and sign the citizenship form an American accompanying another applicant asked us where we were from. "United Kingdom" I replied. "Why are you becoming citizens?" he asked, clearly surprised. I gave a short, polite reply, resisting the temptation to spoil the ambience by asking why the fuck he should be so amazed that someone would actually want to become a US citizen for some other reason than to run away from the crappy poverty of their home country.

Actually it was a relief that the twat in question didn't ask us where in the UK we were from. I get that all the time from Americans. When I tell them (actually I give them a list of about ten places I lived) they proceed to look at me blankly before telling me that they had an aunt who once went on vacation to Norwich (which they insist on pronouncing Nor-Witch) or Leicester (which they don't so much pronounce as emit in a spasm of drool). They don't recognize a single place I mention, and if I included a few Serbian place names for the fun of it I doubt they'd notice. So why ask?

Maybe you think it's funny that I take the piss out of Americans having just become one, but that's the thing about citizenship: you don't have to like all the other people who live in the country. You don't even have to like the president (thieving socialist tosser). What you do have to do, as far as I'm concerned, is put that country first. Brits above a certain age (which won't include a bunch of Generation Y Facebook-junkie losers) should remember Norman Tebbit's Cricket Test. For all the immigrants from the Indian subcontinent who call themselves "English" the real test is who you cheer for when England are playing India, Pakistan or Sri Lanka at cricket. If you don't cheer for England you're not English, end of story. You're just using a flag of convenience to enable you to live in a country, in a parasitic way, rather than have to make it back in your "home" country, where life ain't so easy.

So while I will continue to support England over Australia in cricket, in the event of an England vs USA soccer match I'll cheer the US team, because to do otherwise would be the height of hypocrisy. (Of course I'll still want England to beat the French. And the Germans. Even if in reality they're lucky to beat Croatia on a good day.)

But there are some things that won't change. The definition of "fanny" is set in stone for me, and I can't move over to the US version. I'm not getting my teeth straightened, or giving a solitary fuck about baseball statistics. You can stick Disney World up your arse, and I cannot take evolution-denying uber-religious nutjobs seriously under any circumstances, especially when they start speaking in tongues. I won't ever consider American chocolate fit for anything other than cooking low-grade brownies, and I cannot consider a country fully civilized where they consider "salted" to be about the only acceptable potato chip flavor.

I do, however, like living in one of the few developed countries where they still have the balls to execute some of the worst murdering scum (although not nearly enough) and where guns can be owned by normal people, not just criminals (look how well that gun-ban experiment worked in England. Twats.) And as a fully-fledged citizen I can now do my bit to help ensure that the liberal left and their whiny socialist agenda doesn't take away all that made this country worth joining. It ain't perfect, but it's home.


Copyright © 2009 Edward Bison